IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 74 Simon Sez

This movie successfully replicates the feeling you have, when you wake up after a night of heavy drinking, and you realize you can't move your arms or legs. We are treated to the always impressively annoying Dennis Rodman leading a cast of, amazingly enough, equally annoying douchenuggets, through 90 minutes of high octane low intensity action. Interestingly, Dennis Rodman isn't the most annoying person in this flick. I can keep it secret no longer. Tonight we are looking at...

The most annoying person in this flick. Possibly of all time. 

Simon Sez (1999)

I had not been looking forward to watching this flick. Not one bit. I remember when Dennis Rodman was actually playing basketball. He was a good player, with several awards and accolades to his name (ok, I'll admit I don't know anything about basketball and his career per se, except from what I'm reading now, researching for this. But I do actually remember him as an active player). Most of what I remember about Rodman, obviously, is his look and style, which was always over the top and flamboyant. I don't have a problem with people going all out, but he seemed to be taking it to the 'so bad it has to be a cry for help/attention' level, and to top it off, his high profile pseudo-relationship with Madonna, leading to her rather infamous appearance with David Letterman. One of the most cringe worthy talk show appearances ever captured for our viewing pleasure (followed closely by this or perhaps this, even if both were later debunked as acts). But as for Rodman, his personal story seems more intricate and actually kind of interesting. But that's not really why we are here tonight, so I'll leave it at suggesting you do your own damn research, if you're so interested. I'm here to discuss Simon Sez, and Simon Sez is a movie that I really just didn't like. There, I said it. Now, granted, I don't like any of the movies on this list, so it's not that controversial a statement, is it? No, no it isn't. The kicker with this flick, I suppose, is that it could have been something at least half worth watching. It never really truly had potential, but I'll be bold and say, it could easily have been lifted out of the B100 cesspool of <2 ratings movies, and into the sweet sweet 3-5 range. It could. But alas, it was not.

Second only to Dane Cook in annoyance. Man I hate this stupid idiot's face!

In Simon Sez we find Dennis Rodman as an Interpol agent. A few questions immediately spring to mind here. First, why the fuck would you want a 6'7” black dude with piercings and tattoos and dyed hair, as a secret agent? That shit doesn't even make sense in context. Secondly, why is he, clearly American, working for the European Interpol? Alright, I suppose an American could be working for Interpol, but it just seems kind of weird. Was it to excuse the European settings? Or because the movie could then hire a lot of broken English speaking European actors for bit parts? Or was it because this movie was made and produce in, and by, Belgium? Perhaps a combination, who knows. Like I said, Rodman is an Interpol agent, working by the French Riviera. It's not really specified what he's doing or why he's there or what level of authority he is operating under. But he's there as a secret agent, and that's really all we need to know. A crazy arms dealer is pushing some local dude into holding his son's girlfriend ransom, so the girl's father, a San Franciscan software developer, will hand over a disc containing some piece of government missile launch whatever. It's a pretty basic take over the world gambit, that we've seen countless times. Simon, and his newly acquired sidekick Nick Miranda, are going to kick ass and take names. And then possibly lose the list.

Taking undercover to a whole new level, ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Rodman!

The plot advances according to the textbook on madmen taking over the world, so I won't dwell too much on that, but merely discuss a few highlights and characters, because there were quite a few REALLY annoying characters up in this film. Nick Miranda, played with usual wanton disregard for humor and charm by Dane Cook, is seriously one of the most annoying idiots I've ever had the displeasure of viewing on the silver screen. I never found this moron funny in any shape, size or form, but this drivel just takes the fucking cake. I wanted him to not be on the screen so badly, yet there he was, right before my poor mistreated eyes for the majority of the movie. Everything he does and says is annoying and filled me with a sense of personal loss. I loathed him, and everything he did before this, in this and in all potential future endeavors. There is just no two ways about it. Giving Dane Crook healthy competition as most annoying assbaron ever to don the title of actor on film, we are treated to John Pinette in the role of Micro aka. Free Willy. The joke here is, that John Pinette is anything but micro. He is gargantuan, in fact. That's not really annoying in and of itself, but when everything he does is supposed to be hilarious, but is so far from hilarious that hilarious is but a dot on the horizon for him, I just have a really hard time letting his antics slide. I felt a strong dislike for him as a person, and his annoying voice and annoying face. Oh man, I get pissed off just reliving his scenes in my poor head.

Most unbelievable moment. 350 pound guy is able to hang on using a loose grip on a slanted square iron bar. Also, moments later Rodman pulls him up like it was nothing. 

Alright, I took a 10 minute break, where I flipped turtles on to their shells in anger. My frustrations are at a normal slightly elevated level again, and we can continue. It's clear to you guys now, that Rodman, who actually did a somewhat decent job as Simon, wasn't nearly the most annoying character in Simon Sez. We are treated to a few fight scenes between him and a small selection of standard bad guys, as well as a bad ass chick from an opposing secret agent organization. Because there are loads of those around. Or something. Perhaps I had accidentally picked up my phone and wasn't paying 100% attention, right when her relation to Simon was explained, because I didn't quite catch what they had. They had something though, the classic love/hate thing that indicates something in their past was keeping them mutually attracted and repulsed. Like a Romeo and Juliet thing, only without eloquence, drama and charm. They end up in the most classic fighting-turned-into-passion scene I've ever seen, and we are treated to a fast cut flashy stroboscope light bathed sex scene. It was actually kept relatively stylish, albeit predictable. What can you do, right? Everything else unfolds with a tedious inevitability, culminating in shootouts and fisticuffs, from which Simon emerges the ultimate victor. So far so good.

Grrrr NO! No god dammit... no.

This movie was textbook. Like I might've mentioned. In and of itself, it would've just been kind of boring. Rodman lent it a little extravaganze, and like I also mentioned, he could have done a lot worse. The other characters, however, and impressively almost all of them, were supremely enervating. Like really jaw-droppingly blood curdlingly bone chillingly aggravating. I wanted them all to straight up die, right then and there. It seemed every character was played for comedic relief in every fucking scene. And nothing was funny. Nothing. At all. Not even a twitch of the edge of my mouth. Just blank stare of disbelief at the screen, wondering who the fuck wrote this crap. Looking it up, it turns out to be someone who didn't think this one off piece of shit was enough. He's produced countless other shitty flicks, so I guess it's a sociopathic thing with him. What can you do, really. Unsurprisingly, this is the directorial debut of Kevin Elders. We see this pattern emerge clearly time and time again on this list. Kevin Elders went on to greatness, however, when he wrote and produced the classic Iron Eagle with our main man Louis Gossett fucking Junior. And the subsequence X amount of sequels. I remember a good friend I lived with, was well into these Iron Eagle flicks. I guess I might've been a little too old to really appreciate them, but I could see how they carried the same coolness factor I remember experiencing when I saw Crocodile Dundee or James Bond back in the late 80s early 90s. It's a kid thing.

Jungle fever! Super stylish. They had just battled hard too, so what with the adrenaline rush it was bound to happen.

Simon Sez might've been awesome too, if you were 13 and thought quasi-agent flicks were all the rage. I doubt Dennis Rodman could've pulled off an actual acting bit in a more accomplished movie, but for all intents and purposes, he was, if not believable as an agent of a well established crime fighting agency, relatively well off kicking ass and taking names. The fighting was choreographed just well enough to not come off as super cheesy. The shooting and driving action wasn't quite as well executed, but those are really minor issues. Everything considered, I mean. Summing everything up, I'll have to say, I wasn't impressed with the overall effort. Too much lame shit, and not enough content. Next time, give Rodman a little more story and a lot less Dane Cook ([censored]). We have seen the daughter kidnapped by evil maniac bit many many times, so the success of yet another attempt relies highly on how well the characters work. And in this case, they just plain old didn't. That's really all there is to it. Better characters, slightly better story, and we could've had a movie 2-3 points above the magic 2.6 Bottom100 barrier. And I could've been spared John Pinette and Dane Cook, both of whom I now hate vehemently.  

Citroen floating by a small pink parachute? Still more believable than chubby checkers hanging on by his fingers. 

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 75 Baby Geniuses

Talking babies, former B-list celebs gone bad and did I mention talking babies? Also the babies are somehow geniuses. If you think you're somewhat off the deep end, I don't blame you. I passed the deep end months ago. Resignation in suicide sounds pretty appealing right about now. But alas, I have a commitment to fulfill. So instead, I get to review...

That fucking kid. Look at him. No really... isn't he the most annoying kid you've ever seen?

Baby Geniuses (1999)

This one is one for the books, you guys. It's a quarter into this whole Bottom100 project, some 8 months of almost weekly reviews for your reading pleasure. I'm still sane. I'm still going strong, but I won't deny that it has taken its toll on me. My Frisbee-golf handicap team lost the Championship because I neglected practice, and my volunteering as a waiter at the retired screenwriters bi-annual ball was rejected for the first time in almost 1 year. I guess they were scared I'd get into a kerfuffle with a few of the older scruffier writers over my B100 shenanigans. It is what it is, as somebody probably rightly said once. Incidentally the same could be said for this film. We've moved through classics such as Troll 2, .Com for Murder, It's Pat, Barney's Great Adventure and last week it was that German cocksmuggler Ulli Lommel's turn through the reviewing machinery. It brings us neatly to this film that I've dreaded for quite a while. Bonus info: this movie is partly responsible for me starting this whole blog thing to begin with. It is the first movie in the series about Baby Geniuses, and the sequel to this flick is at the top spot of this list (we'll get to that in about a year and a half). I remember looking at Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 thinking 'Oh my good God in Heaven, what the hell is going on?'. Much later I decided I should take it upon myself to watch 100 extremely shitty movies, and churn out a solid 1600 word review of each of them. Joke's on me, I guess. Oh well!

Talking babies are seriously annoying, but this guy... he almost takes the cake. I can't even...

I'm getting ahead of myself here. We're looking at the very first Baby Geniuses flick. In it, evil scientists are holding super intelligent babies captive. The babies can talk to each other, but grown ups only perceive baby talk. So that's happening. Alright. There is some crazy mishap, that causes the babies to escape, and join society. Look, the story is abnormally incomprehensible here, because, let's be honest, talking babies. It kind of sets a precedence. Bumbling doofus Dan, played by classic 'oh it's... that guy' actor Peter MacNicol (a name I will have forgotten in 10 minutes) has somehow managed to marry Kim Cattrall's Robin, and they run a daycare together. The babies spot Dan and Robin at some kind of fare, and for some reason this both enables them to, and gives them reason to escape. I don't understand why. Perhaps the babies aren't just intelligent, but actually have superhuman perception. The movie doesn't quite delve into this particular subplot, so I suppose I'll just leave it at that. They want to be normal kids, anyhow, and not science experiments. I can't say I blame them. But I also can't say I blame everybody else for wanting them locked up. Because they are hella annoying.

No no no no no no no no no. NO. Not cool. Not OK. Nope. Not in the slightest.

So it's back and forth between this daycare, where a typically jolly Dom DeLuise also spent his days as an equally bumbling handy man, providing some unfunny, yet needed, comic relief, and the science experiment theater. I'm unsure if we're supposed to believe that the babies slip out every night and visit the daycare or something. But they end up a steady part of the daycare baby roster, and of course this causes quite the commotion for the possibly evil scientists. I say possibly, because keeping babies locked up for science doesn't seem like something good wholesome people would do. On the flipside, the babies seem to be pretty well cared for, and the purpose of keeping them locked up isn't immediately apparent. So there's that. But anyway, the two main scientists really lay into Dan and Robin, and a really unsurprising and unexciting but inevitable climax finishes off this travesty with rather a tepid flourish.

How could we have let this happen? YOU WERE DOC BROWN! You were Doc Brown...

I'm not a fan of this movie. Yes yes, me saying that is pretty redundant at this point, but this one was particularly crappy. I'm not a big fan of kids in movies. It's hard to pull off, without the kid just being annoying. Babies are even harder. And talking babies, especially where their mouthes move and everything, is damn near impossible. In fact, I can't recall a single instance where it's been successfully pulled off. Perhaps I didn't think too hard about it, but I have a feeling I'd easily remember a movie where there was a baby talking with synchronized lips that didn't immediately make me want to punch the screen in despair. I think one of the things about this movie that really annoys me, like irrationally so, is that it features Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd. Lloyd, of course, known and loved, as Doc Brown in Back to the Future and lesser so for the role of Fester in the Addams Family movies. Even lesser so from Forman's Cuckoo's Nest and of course the long running sitcom Taxi. Anyway, his gold star is ever high flying to me, so for the fuckers behind Baby Geniuses to, no doubt, blackmail him to appear in their shitty production is blatant disregard for everything I hold dear. Yes. Everything. The only mitigating factor is, that he looks uncomfortable, forcing me to believe somebody is pointing a gun at him off camera. Turner may not have had the biggest career of the lot, but she is firmly lodged in our pop cultural hive mind with a memorable performance in those jewel of the Nile movies. And also in a surprising turn as Chandler's dad in Friends. Even still. I guess money is ever the modus operandi here. Dammit.

Dramatic possible ending. Kathleen takes a beating, apparently. By somebody dressing pretty casually.

The production value of this flick is, I suppose it's only fair to say, higher than most of the b100 misfits I get to sit through. The story is mostly poo, and bringing in a little talent lends ill deserved credibility to the whole debacle. Even if they are kind of b-listers. Yes, Christopher Lloyd, I said it. B-lister. Doesn't mean you weren't awesome as Doc. But you never really took it to the next level. The effect shit they used on those babies faces annoyed me. I mean it kinda looked like they were actually talking, but since we know that isn't the case, it just comes off as insanely lame. Like mind numbingly stupid. And the fact that the whole movie is built up around this concept just leaves me violently screaming in my head. Mostly the sets and whatnot are standard family movie shit. Like the lab with the babies obviously have to be ultra futuristic, so the audience don't have a pico second of doubt as to where we are and what's going on. And because they are evil scientists, it's dark and gloomy, but still family friendly. Then we have the daycare house, where, big surprise, everybody are jovially dressed, Dom DeLuise makes not so hilarious jokes in a pair of overalls and an ill fitting cap, and there are clothes everywhere because kids. That part is actually true, but still... I see that in real life everyday (I'm 6 years old. I live next to a power plant), I don't need it in my entertainment too! (note I used the word entertainment ironically).

This fucking guy again. What is his deal? She should just have him put down. Nothing good can come of this. 

Overall, this movie is just good old fashioned bad. It's kind of along the lines of 3 Ninjas at the highest of nooningtons, only instead of semi-annoying brothers we are treated to talking babies. Yeah, I can't emphasize just how shitty a concept that actually is. Babies that communicate in adult voices. It was cute when Bruce Willis did it. It's not cute now. Another case of 'how did this get greenlit'. But since there are like fifty sequels, I am going to have to assume it made money. Probably DVD sales for parents who don't care if their kids watch sub-par entertainment that may very well lead to them being either Hollywood c-list producers or lifelong addicts to prescription Tylenol. Can you imagine going out and buying this DVD, returning home with a smile on your face expecting the funsies to kick in at any point. As as you watch Kathleen and Christpher and Dom and those other people, and talking babies, you slowly realize how cruel and unforgiving the world can be. And just before you call your lawyer to finalize your will, it's over. 97 minutes of your life, you could've wasted banging your little toe into the corner of the dresser over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.