Sunday, 27 September 2015

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 46 Popstar

Boy band members have never really been high on my list of respectable people actors. Sure Justin Timberlake made the transition successfully, and has actually pulled off some decent parts here and there, but in general,no. Siblings of boy band members, themselves quasi-popstars in their own right, even less so. That's why tonight's feature really reeks of trouble. It brought my mind back to an outing with Usher that left me contemplating if it was all worth it. I decided then it was, but tonight my reality is once more turned upside down when I take a critical look at...

That would've been my raction too. If Aaron Carter was Kenny Rogers. 
Popstar (2005)

Aaron Carter. The name and his picture on the cover photo had me dreading this for a while. Most of the flicks on here, I have no prior knowledge of, right down to not knowing a single person on the cast list or anything whatsoever about the plot besides what a 5 year old could deduce from the title/cover. This one, however, I dreaded. Because, Aaron Carter. And the premise just brought a weird deja vu on. I'm not sure still what it reminds me of, besides the Usher flick (that at least made an attempt at excitement.) It's like Paris Hilton’s movies: (speaking of, she's been pleasantly absent for a while.) You know they are going to suck, not just because the movies are shit, but because even complete fucking crap can still somehow be dragged down by her performance, or lack thereof. That's what I went into watching Popstar with, and I think I wasn't disappointed? Honestly I'm not sure if this whole movie was tongue in cheek and had a laugh on its own expense, or if it was dead serious and consequently super stupid. We will have to analyze our way to the truth. Please follow me… TO THE PLOTMOBILE!

When we first see the janitor, I literally did a double take. What the fuck? No. And to just open random lockers to random kids? Seems legit. 
The premise is simple. Aaron Carter plays JD Mcsomething. Holy shit I've forgotten his name, and it's been like 20 minutes since end credits. McQueen! Right. There we are. So he's a popstar in this movie (we're thankfully only treated to two concert scenes) and after finishing up a tour, his mom, in a fairly unprecedented moment of both humor and realism, tells him he's done being home schooled, because he's failing. She is sending him to public school to earn his high school diploma. He is not pleased, because, well, who the fuck wants to go to school with the plebs, right? But mom's word is final, as we all know. So he goes. In school is Jane, JD's possibly biggest fan. JD barges into class in the middle of a test. Way to plan that first day of school. Jane sees him and is, perhaps understandably, struck dumb. We see a montage like set of scenes, where JD's shit is stolen around campus, every time he looks away. Hilarious. JD's plan is to find the smartest girl in school, and have her help him with his school stuff. Jane happens to have just gotten a perfect score on her SAT. She also wears braces, indicating that she is a geek and universally loathed around school. JD gets the janitor to open her locker for him, with the thinnest cover story of all time, and the laziest locker security in the universe, and steals one of Jane's books with her name and address in it. Because high schoolers totally do that. He shows up at her house, and invites himself in. Popstars can do it all.

He plays kindergartens and pre-schools when he's not busy doing movies. With his beach inn buddy. 
This starts a sort of weird unbalanced but easily recognizable relationship between the two. I saw “Can't buy me love” back in the 80s and this is just another faint copy. JD buys Jane a Porsche after like day 2, with the words “Maybe you can do something for me some day." I frowned at this scene, but I don't think the writers saw how crazy rapey that whole scenario was. JD merely meant she could help him with homework, but he doesn't specify, so it's kind of weird. Now Jane is super popular in school (funny how having the coolest merchandise makes everybody your friend) and the vintage hot popular girl, who has her eyes set on JD, is fired up for combat. Shit develops between JD and Jane, and after one, albeit glorious, study session, he is now ready for advanced fucking calculus, despite, only the day before, having failed home school. But easyville is some miles out yet, for the young JD, because he also has Testophobia, and instead of acing the test, he totally cheats. Jane hates cheaters, and the professor has a no second chances rule too. So JD fails and Jane fucks off. Through conceited and pointless scenes, we learn that JD is totally about Jane and legit has Testophobia. No joke. He redeems himself, and totally aces that test, that the professor grades ON THE SPOT. He hands it back to JD chuckling because not only did Jane teach JD well enough to pass the test. She taught him well enough to surpass her scores. The scores of the girl with a perfect SAT were passed by a guy who two days before failed home school.

Justin embodies every high school geek cliché. And apparently that's a magnet for types like Tara Reid London. Justin is a nice change from Aaron Carter
So there we have it. Simple stuff. I had a hard time with an objective plot walkthrough, because honestly it turned kind of stupid toward the end. It's too bad really, because there was one or perhaps two moments early on where I legit chuckled. And I thought that perhaps this movie was meta enough for the writers and actors to be in on the joke. But as we progressed through one stupid scene after another, I learned that perhaps this wasn't the case. It's relatively simplistic high school bullshit. The hot girls are very likely not high schoolers in real life, and are so stereotypical that you could set your watch by them. There is a subplot of one of them wanting to date JD to, I guess, become famous. Not unlike too many cases in real life. She is pissed at Jane, and threatens both her and JD left and right. There is even a scene where she talks to a reporter and agrees to, I think, drop her clothes in pictures with JD when she bags him for prom. It doesn't come to anything, except she storms in at the concert just before end credits, and it turns out she's wearing a water bra. A bra with water to boost her bust size in case you were confused. Another subplot has Jane freak out because JD is on the radio and the host asks him about a girl named London, that JD has a special relationship with. Jane and JD aren't even dating, and she bails on him (she was in the producer's booth for the show) without even asking him to explain. Anyway, they are patched up also without explanation, and we can move on. This movie makes more sense than a standard B100 flick, but that being said, I can't really figure out why there are plenty of loose ends included for no discernible reason. To bolster movie length to 91 minutes I suppose.

Hahahahahahahahaha... No. Nope. No.
Much like almost every high school flick, most of the cast was well above high school years. Jane, played by Alana Austin, was 25 at the time of filming. Aaron Carter, however, was 18, and probably actually in high school. That was likely fun for Alana. The movie wasn't as bad as I had expected quality wise. Kind of like Gigli and perhaps one more, the movie had a crew and equipment up to par with crappy A-list movies. The writing was pretty run of the mill, but for a B100 it was nigh on Shakespearean levels. The acting is mostly subpar, with Aaron turning in the worst performance. I mean when you can't tell if he's poking fun of himself with tongue in cheek lines, or really just thinks he's making something amazing in this movie, that says a lot. He kind of plays the two personalities thing a bit, where he's both JD, the character, and Joe McQueen the shy boy who has testophobia and fails classes in home school. It's pretty stupid, and comes off as just a failed attempt at depth. If Aaron had been better, it could've perhaps been more interesting, but with the supporting cast on top of Aaron himself this movie never really stood a chance. At least we aren't treated to a lot of super weird cuts and scenes out of place. The plot is thin but mostly coherent. The characters are shallow and predictable but not quite hateable.

Another cliché? Yes. This movie stocked up at the cliché store. Hot popular girl sure isn't going to help him pass math. 
I wasn't annoyed or angry as much as just mildly disinterested in this flick. I started it and went to the bathroom, and for a split second I actually feared I'd miss out on some plot point that might result in me not understanding what was going on. I came back to JD McQueen in concert still, and I also remembered that it was a B100 movie, and that I could watch it cut into 20 bits, shown out of order and still fully understand what was going on. The whole reason JD has to go to school is because his record label will drop his ass if he doesn't go on tour the following summer, despite him being the youngest singer ever to have 16 Billboard 100 hits and sold a bajillion albums. He just had an album out and literally just came back from a world tour. And still, they will drop him if he doesn't go on another. And his mom won't let him tour if he doesn't have a high school diploma. So that's why everything in this movie happens. To top it off, it seems his opening concert for that new tour, which is also the last scene in the movie, makes everybody hook up. He and Jane, her mom and JD's sleazy manager, the Janitor (who has been giving weird sage advice throughout the movie) and Jane's recently dumped at the altar sister. Also a tertiary character named Justin, who asked both the 'hot girls' to the prom is in the audience and asks that London character JD had as a special friend to the prom. She accepts on account of not having been to her own, despite looking like she just started high school. She has a weird Tara Reid vibe about her and I didn't know what to do with that. 

She blogs about JD! How 2005. Who the hell has a blog anymore?
The only really candid moment in the movie, that raised my doubts whether this was an inside joke all along anyway, was the final scene where Aaron Carter performs a track on stage. His audience consists almost entirely of 8-14 year old girls, reminding me, on several ways, of Justin Bieber. Bieber tries to come off as some kind of badass prankster dude, but it's really hard to take him seriously as a tough apple when you know he performs exclusively to screaming early teen girls with little hearts in their eyes. Aaron Carter, at least, got out of the game early on. Or did he?

I like how she's sort of idling in the background awkwardly. Show the world, JD. This is IT!

Sunday, 20 September 2015

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 48 Soultaker

Tonight we're treated to, what is known here at the office, as a run of the mill shitflick. We've got all the basic B100 instruments of torture present; lack of coherence, lack of excitement, lack of acting, lack of sense. Angels of Death mix with the human world, and boredom ensues. We're even handed a drug subplot that never really goes anywhere either. All in all, this flick lacks conviction, and I don't blame it. There is literally nothing to believe in, when you watch...

The dynamic angel duo. That fucking dude though. Even for the 90s... 

Soultaker (1990)

Damn, another 90s flick to totally bowl over my theory of the 60s being the shittiest in terms of film making and interior decor. The 90s are running this show like a Bob Barker who was denied another golfing trophy – angrily and without mercy. This flick, according to the cover, was super hyped up from various critics. The cover is very low resolution, so I can't quite see exactly who said “Very interesting. More consistently presented than... Ghost!” It looks like somebody from Variety? I don't even really know what something being more consistently presented than something else means? Is it presented on a more regular basis? Or are all of the individual minutes in Soultaker presented better than each individual minute of Ghost? Also this movie wasn't interesting. In the least. It was boring. Life after death? That is interesting. This movie's take on life after death? About as interesting as having your crotch repeatedly kicked by a throng of enraged donkeys. If you believe that happening is interesting, this movie might be for you. We'll look at how this movie deals with life after death later on, and we will do so without further exploring the donkey metaphor. Sorry folks.

Shitfriend... look at that hair no seriously are you looking? I hope he has a permit for that. 
This movie is about love across the boundaries of social class. It's also about love between parents and their offspring. It's also about totally non-homoerotic love between two guys. We open by seeing a super tired looking dude in a long black duffel coat suck the soul out of an old geezer at the hospital just when death sets in. That scene ends, and we're supposed to be left with a sense of excitement and anticipation. And we are. Of the movie ending some 90 minutes later. Oh well. Zac and Natalie are our main protagonists and are very much possibly in love. I say possibly because they have the same picture of themselves on their respective dressers, but when they meet up, they act like they went on one date and this is the awkward “oops I didn’t know you’d also be here even if I totally hoped you would" accidental date follow up. But for all the movies intents and purposes, they are steadily dating. Natalie's parents, one of which is the mayor of the town, do not approve of Zac. Zac is bad people, they seem to indicate. It's very loosely touched upon, but I believe Zac somehow was involved, possibly innocently, in a cocaine deal gone terribly wrong, and Natalie's dad got him out of it, on account of being the mayor. Like I said, it's mentioned in passing. Suffice to say, Zac is persona non grata at the Natalie residence. But Natalie is about him, so she goes to some kind of festival, hoping, I think, that Zac will also be there. They haven't planned anything, but Zac, who is a dead ringer for Thriller-era Michael Jackson at first (he loses the MJ touch about half way through the movie - sad if you’re into MJ) is of course also at the festival. He is there with his douchey friend, and another dude, moronfriend, who kind of reminds me why abortions were invented. His douchey friend hates Natalie, and does not waste a second telling Zac exactly how shitty he finds her. This douchey friend is also an ACTUAL DRUG DEALER! And I firmly believe he was the one who got Zac into deep shit before.

This hair is so crazy, I had to have another picture of it. Look at that fucking hairdo. I can't even.
The tired looking angel turns up with the goofiest looking motherfucker I've seen for a while. We'll deal with him in a moment. They are there to, I guess, get Natalie and Zac and shitfriend and idiotfriend and random girl shitfriend has picked ups souls. Why? Nobody knows. Tired looking dude sees Natalie and flashes back to some girl he used to know. This is apparently significant, but we can’t know why yet. Zac convinces his shitty friend to give them a ride. For no particular reason, besides being a dick, this shitty friend drinks, snorts coke and drives in a haphazard way. Of course he crashes his car, when the tired looking dude from earlier steps in front of it on the road. 4 of them (everybody sans random girl) wakes up, thrown clear of the car with no bruises. They are only mildly surprised by this. Tired looking guy sucks the soul of random girl and gives chase. Goofy looking angel of death is apparently top dog among angels of death and tells tired looking angel of death to get off his god damn angel of death ass and suck some souls, or so help him... Tired looking dude is about Natalie though, and wants nothing more than to keep flashing back to something from his past we can only guess at for now. He kills off shitfriend. And shortly after moronfriend goes the same way. But Zac and Natalie run home to her place, where we are treated to truly baffling scenes that include Zac being told he isn't welcome, yet he sits down and watches TV and is left to his own devices like he is expected to let himself out later, and Natalie's mother ogling Natalie take a bath. It's... yeah. It's a thing. Zac watches the news, and realizes both Natalie's parents are really at the hospital, and that Zac and Nat's bodies will be taken off life support at midnight (for some reason this is announced on the news.) Then who the fuck is the person looking like her mother in the house? He panics, runs upstairs and realizes Natalie's mother at the house is really tired looking angel of death in a clever disguise. Shit hits the fan, leading us to a chase across town and into the hospital, where shitfriend, who has returned as an angel of death, helps Zac kick tired angel’s ass, and recover life for him and his loved one.

Oh god that hair. Marginally better in his post-death incarnation. But still... it's bodacious.
Phew, quite a ride, huh? Nope. Not at all. It was exceedingly dull and without excitement. I guess for a second I wasn't sure if they'd let Zac die for Natalie, but really the whole thing would've been even more pointless if he had. They both survived. Spoiler alert? Hardly. You would've figured this out (yes you, you know who you are). Now, we see a few scenes that take place in the void between our world, and the world of the angels of death. Their shit is mostly just really bright, which is the universally agreed upon feel of the afterlife in movies. Bright lights. But the movie offers zero opinions on why the angels of death wanted these 5 people dead to begin with. Shitfriend, in his new persona as angel of death (complete with bottle of Jack Daniels) literally says “You still don't get it do you?” when Zac asks for an explanation, but then proceeds to explain that they aren't told anything, and he doesn't know what is going on or if there is a heaven. So much for being a smartass, dickweed. I guess you don’t get it either. More dialogue that made me go what the fuck: when the mayor comes out of his daughter's hospital room and says they have agreed with the doctor's decision to take his daughter off of life support, one of the reporters asks him, “when will they pull the plug on your daughter?” Two things here. He literally JUST fucking said when he made the decision and also announced a specific fucking time for when they would do it. Why ask? Also, who the fuck asks a grieving man something as inconsiderate as “when will you pull the plug on your daughter?” Good lord. That's the media for you.

Zac and Natalie in the climactic scene where he totally puts her soul back into her body. Or something. Amazing. 
I find with a lot of these movies, when I watch them, I'm pretty complacent and docile. There are some exceptions, and if you've followed this blog long enough, you'll probably be able to remember one or two. But in general I'm just watching with mild apprehension. Later on, when typing up my reviews, however, I often find myself getting increasingly annoyed with how shitty the movie actually was. I can't decide if this is somehow an accomplishment of these films? They invoke an emotional response in me, and I have to give them credit for that shit. I also want to set fire to them for forcing me to feel my own feels! This movie was on the slighter end of the annoyance scale. It wasn't good in any way shape or form, but I didn't want to sign up for the first manned flight to Mars (aptly named 'Mission Certain Death') either. If the characters had been fleshed out a bit, perhaps, the movie would've made it out of the B100 list. Tired dude for instance. He flashes back to his wife/girlfriend in bed with another dude, and I think we’re supposed to believe he killed her and the dude for adultery. The woman in bed is supposed to remind him of Natalie, but in the flashbacks it literally is her. I don't know if this was deliberate or what. I mean her being in the scene was deliberate, but if she is supposed to be a reincarnation or just remind him so much that he replaces her in his own imagination. It's kind of insinuated, I think, that if you kill somebody you have to pay that sin back by being an angel of death. It's not explained why. So he is paying the penance for killing his lady and her lover. He wants Natalie to come with him, but we don't really know where. The after life? A cloud somewhere? Uganda? Nobody knows. And the goofy looking angel is not about it. Also they distorted his voice to make him sound more menacing or something. He sounds like a toilet flushing. And I hate him. His face is instantly recognizable though, yet I have no idea where I've seen him before. He has 119 credits to his name, and only one thing on there I know off the top of my head, even if I haven't ever seen it (Tango & Cash). His remaining 118 credits I don't know at all. Well 117, since I've now seen Soultaker.

Tired angel kills old dude. The rings are a thing, that are also not explained. Lots isn't explained.
Overall it's safe to say, that this movie left me with more open questions than before I started, and sadly not the kind of questions that will remain in my head slowly mulled over subconsciously for months. Just the kind of questions that would've been cool had they been answered during the movie, but they weren't and that's not really a big problem for me. I can let this go easily. Acting and effects here are really crappy, and you can probably imagine my surprise, when I found out that it won an award. The woman who plays Natalie wrote the story, and won a Saturn Award. I’m not sure what a Saturn award really is, but there's a picture of her accepting it next to Arnold Schwarzenegger who is accepting his for T2: Judgment Day. So it’s big enough for Arnie to show up. I'm irrationally pissed off, that these two movies were somehow in the same award show, and both won something. That's just outright crazy. She is apparently semi well known for various other things. It's hard to really know how well known, but she appears in a picture with Cary Elwes, so she must be up there for sure. Cary doesn't look suave as fuck for just anybody. She hasn't worked in a bit, so perhaps she is focusing on something else. And perhaps that is for the best. Soultaker might be nearly 30 years old, but shit like that doesn't just go away. It lurks, and I'm sure she's cooking up another story, just waiting for the right moment to pounce.

Sunday, 13 September 2015

IMDb Bottom 100 Review - Number 49 Eegah

Movies from the 60s seem to, on the whole, have been pretty shitty. Tonight's feature doesn't veer off any form for beaten path in any way, except for casting an absolute legend well before his prime, in the title role. I'm sad to say, casting Kiel did very little for this particular movie, that turned out to be so boring, that I experienced an out of body séance, looking down on myself watching this movie, and felt the boredom transcend time and space. Here is the full disclosure for you to, perhaps, experience the same as me. Please read on and be bored to death by a review of...

Eegah sees himself for the first time. Coincidentally also the first time Richard Kiel sees his own reflection. Is he mad or happy? You decide.

Eegah (1962)

The concept here is unsurprisingly simple. A teen girl encounters a prehistoric caveman. People laugh at her story. Then the caveman turns out to be real, and is immediately killed because why the hell wouldn't humanity kill him right away? The poster and synopsis for the movie suggests it's a lot more exciting than it is. There are promises of a rampage and something written in blood. Those words are all blatant lies. No rampage is gone on, and the only thing written in blood, was the manuscript drenched in the blood flowing from the eyes of anybody unfortunate enough to read it. I think the crew of this film, if indeed there was a crew involved, had to have worked with only a few pages of the script (if indeed there was a script involved) at a time, because more than that would've surely killed, or at least caused grievous bodily harm to, somebody. From boredom. Anyway, here is the plot, if you are still conscious enough to comprehend it.

Arch Hall Sr. is surely proud to call this guy his son. Weirdly enough, Arch Hall Jr (pictured) stopped acting in 1965 but then has a single credit to his name in 2014. Are the Halls coming back to Hollywood? We can only hope. 

Roxy is a young sprightly girl, who... well I don't really know much else about her. None of the characters are fledged out in any way, so she is just Roxy, a girl. We meet her driving up to 'the club' where she passes by her, possibly, boyfriend Tommy who is working as a gas station attendant. They trudge through the most wooden exchange captured on celluloid, before she drives on. On the dark road, she encounters Eegah, a giant prehistoric caveman, who lives in the desert caves next to whatever city this takes place in. Eegah has lumbered off by the time Tommy drives up to Roxy, who has fainted, and of course doesn't believe her story. She tells her dad who may or may not own the club they were driving to at dinner. He doesn't believe her either. Some other dude is at the table and makes snide remarks about Roxy's story and is being a total dick to her all of which is largely ignored by her dad and boyfriend. Her dad, even if he's not really sure about the whole caveman story, because who the hell would accept that at face value really, decides to fly the fuck out into the middle of the desert, to look for Eegah. Obviously he goes alone, with nothing but a camera, a jaunty jungle explorer hat and what appears to be a bag of toiletries. Because no gentlemen should appear unclean even after 24 hours in the desert. Unacceptable. Eegah shows up in a threatening manner, and the dad trips and falls on his back managing to break his collar bone. He later claims he tripped over his camera, even if it was around his neck. But whatever.

I'm surprised, and a little disappointed, that dad didn't bring a manicure kit and perhaps a small surgeon's kit to set that bone straight. Some people just don't prepare that well. 
Roxy meanwhile plays in the pool while Tommy sings and plays a lame love song (singing a capella, but still the soundtrack features a full band). The phone rings. It's from the airport. The helicopter dude who dropped dad off has issues with the helicopter, and can't go and pick him up again. Roxy and Tommy drive out in, what Tommy claims to be, a dune buggy. We are treated to a drive around in the desert shouting weeeee montage, that was pretty pleasing on the whole. Of course Tommy eventually decides that he should go off looking for dad alone, and Roxy is promptly abducted by Eegah (after fainting again for the thousandth time). She is carried to the cave, where dad is sitting with the flimsiest fucking bandage around his arm. He is still surprisingly mobile, despite that broken collar bone. Eegah introduces his family to Roxy and dad. His family consists of a bunch of mummified ancestors, that Eegah talks to like they were still alive. Dad explains all this to Roxy with incredible insight, considering he and Eegah share no common language nor do they communicate in any direct way. Eegah eventually leaves, to hunt or something, and dad feels desolate. Roxy suggests she could shave him, and that would make him feel better. She proceeds to do just that in what is no doubt the worst display of shaving I have ever seen. A five year old would have a better grasp of foam distribution and shaving directions. Just the fact that he had a fucking shaving kit with him into the desert to begin with boggles the mind. Eegah returns and Roxy shaves his full beard off too to ward off the obvious rape scenario looming in the distance. Eventually she lures Eegah outside, just as Tommy happens to be passing by. They all escape, and proceed to throw a party at the club. Tommy sings with his band, then starts dancing with Roxy. For no reason and with no explanation at all, his base player has his eyes on Roxy and starts fighting Tommy. Meanwhile Eegah has wandered down into the city, looking for Roxy, and of course he makes his way to the party. Mild commotion breaks out, and Eegah is eventually shot by the police. The end.

Caveman rape - walking the fine line between horror and clinically interesting. Those hands though... damn. 
This film was made by a dude called Arch Hall Sr. and Tommy was played by Arch Hall Jr. leading me to believe this movie was possibly made specifically as a vehicle to propel Arch Hall Jr. to B list stardom. Whether it succeeded or not I cannot say. Looking over Archie Junior's IMDb track list leads me to believe his career was rapidly dwindling even before it had really gotten started. Arch Hall Jr. looks... well he looks like a doofus whose idea of looking smart is eating a lemon and squinting his eyes. A few times during this movie Arch plays and sings. At least it looks like he does, but I think he's supposed to be playing and singing alone, but what we hear is a full band. It's wildly confusing, because usually when you hear a full band, there is a full band around. But it might be an optical illusion.

Tommy's dune buggy. It was explained, that he had water in his tires for traction. Then we saw them drive around, with studio recorded 'weeeees' on the sound side. 
What isn't an optical illusion, is the magnificent Richard Kiel. Here in an absolute young version, long before iron teeth and Happy Gilmore, his 7'2 frame lends itself well to playing a prehistoric caveman. Sadly for Richard, this movie is a piece of shit that doesn't in any way support his immense acting talent, even if he hadn't polished it quite smooth yet. Richard isn't given any lines per se, but he is asked, I think, to talk in caveman all the time he is on screen. This is wildly fucking irritating. Some times it doesn't sync up with the film, and it drove me apeshit. That being said, watching this dude pick up Roxy, even if she IS a petite woman, like she was a small twig was fascinating. He shakes her around at the almost but not quite rape scene, and it looks ridiculous. What was also ridiculous were Richard's ancestors. What the fuck kind of crazy shit is that? I understand that humans have always worshiped or kept alive the memory of their dead, either in denial or to revere, but keeping the corpses in your place of residence, even if mummified, just isn't OK. The smell would be out of this world.

Fighting over Roxy guys... there is sweet music to be played, and cavemen to be dealt with. So primitive!
Besides all the aforementioned quasi-qualities, this movie features the standard B100 package: weird cuts, scenes that are completely unnecessary for the story, plot holes, wooden acting, shit that just does not make any sense at all in any conceivable context. Like bringing shaving gear on a trip, a solo trip no less, into the desert looking for a prehistoric caveman. I get that it's merely an instrument so that Roxy may shave Richard Kiel's fake beard off, in order for them to have a weird Stockholm Syndrome moment. But really? A shaving kit. In a bag going into the desert? It's so far removed from a sensemaking reality, that even Westboro Baptist Church would frown at it. Interestingly Arch Hall Sr. played the key role of 'Dad' himself and probably had the scene written in, so he could have Roxy manhandle his face with a razor. Something we've all dreamed of, I'm sure. It's safe to say, that whatever his intentions were, they failed. Even if he aimed for making a crappy film with no redeeming features, he failed. Because Richard Kiel. It's funny that all these movies share the same faulty characteristics. I mean I get that's why they are on this list, but it's like there is film school where people go and learn the fine craft of moviemaking. And then behind the academy, there is a cardboard pillow fort, where you go for one 60 minute class, 10 minutes of which are spent on the extreme basics of movie making, and 50 minutes of which are spent on learning how to raise money from people who think Steven Seagal is the snow capped peak of the acting catalogue.

Eegah's great grandfather, possibly, did not approve of Roxy as a potential mate for Eegah. She was too frivolous. He is old school, great grampa Eegah is. 
I had a pretty decent headache going when I started watching this film. I realized half way through the movie, that I was clenching my jaw and it was making the headache worse. I tried to fight it, but the movie kept pulling me down. It's been 6 hours since I watched it at the time of writing, and I'm still trying to ease up my jaw every ten minutes. Watching this felt like swimming through a lake of barbed wire with an armful of squiggling puppies.