Wednesday, 6 May 2015

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 51 Son of the Mask

Take a massively career defining movie of the 90s, that was fun and somewhat innovative, get some B-list actors, amp up effects a bit, string together a somewhat coherent albeit stupid as fuck script, add a dash of cashing in and you've got the recipe for a cinematic disaster not seen since I reviewed Night Train to Mundo Crap last week. Or any other week before that. The Mask made Jim Carey and Cameron Diaz into stars. This movie took what little Jamie Kennedy had to his name, and tore it to pieces. I think it's best if you drop all hopes that this movie will turn my reviewing list around for the better, and just read the words I wrote about...

I fucking hate Ben Stein. Regardless of his annoying voice and stupid face this guy is a massive toolbag. No really, Youtube him. 

Tonight we look at a movie that has everything pretty much handed to it on a plate, and still manages to fuck it all up. Like most Zack Snyder movies, this flick mostly consists of effects that need to carry everything else but comes up short. Unlike most Zack Snyder movies, however, Son of the Mask doesn't leave you feeling a little empty but still impressed. It just makes you feel empty. Feauturing known faces on the cast list, and these effects as well as the coat tails of a massive blockbuster to ride on, it's almost saddening how poorly this movie was executed. I was never a fan of Jamie Kennedy, so his presence as the main character doesn't help me to like this, but I fear I would've probably not thought that differently if they had selected somebody else in his stead. This just couldn't work. Even the mostly charming Alan Cummings failed to pull this out of the dumpster with his colorful but annoying portrayal of Loki. The plot is feeble but coherent at least.

Alan Cumming. You were once Nightcrawler in blue, and now this shit? Where did it go wrong. 

Loki wants his Mask back. He goes looking for it on Earth wreaking havoc along the way. It's unclear if he's struck a deal with Odin or something, because Odin turns up later, as an apparition, and demands that Loki finds his mask or else... Meanwhile Jamie Kennedy is an animator working in a studio, trying to get his idea for a show realized and not having a lot of luck with it. His wife wants to have a kid, but Jamie doesn't think it's such a hot idea. I'm not sure why except perhaps because he's not mature enough or just doesn't understand what the point is. In a particularly grim moment where he's just been shot down at work, his dog finds Loki's mask somewhere, and Jamie puts it on as his costume for the night at his company party. He somehow manages to both pitch an idea for a show that his executives love and have sex with his wife that same night. When he wakes up, literally a few hours later, she informs him that she's pregnant. Boom.

Jamie Kennedy. You are an idiot and still I'm sorry you have to go through this. That hair and mask is just... ridiculous.
The child is born and looks normal but is of course a weird hybrid of human with mask/Loki like powers. Loki has found out that a child has been born of the mask, and is tracking down everybody with the same name as Jamie utilizing a number of annoying disguises and gimmicks. Jamie's wife, that I honestly can't remember the name of and alt tabbing to a browser to look it up seems too much effort at this point despite the fact, that typing that sentence and this one now is probably more work than just looking up her name, is going on a business trip to somewhere. The kid looks like he's 2 at this point, but nothing has been mentioned about accelerated growth, so either Loki is slow as fuck in his tracking, or this movie has a wonky time line. While she's gone, the kid starts fucking around with weird powers. Also the dog puts on the mask and further stupidity ensues. Loki finally manages to find out that the Jamie is the guy he's looking for, and an epic showdown happens, during which Odin strips Loki of his powers and then reinstates him before everything comes to a peaceful and multi beneficial solution. Everybody wins.

Loki bonds with the kid over a game of Super Twister. Let that concept just sink in.
This movie was a classic case of slapstick gone wrong. So many stupid attempts at gags that could've worked, but didn't. The Mask with Jim Carey had a lot of gags, most of which worked because of timing I guess, or the inherent comedic value in Jim. Jamie Kennedy isn't a comedic genius. Not at all. Alan Cumming is doing alright, but he can't carry this whole thing. I only really know him from X2 where he portrayed one of my favorite mutants, Nightcrawler decently so I'm irrationally disappointed that he is in this shit. Bob Hoskins plays Odin and that's just not working at all either. Good old Bob somehow got lured into doing this film, for God knows what reason. Blackmail is my guess. There's no way he could've read the script beforehand or had any idea what he was getting himself into. Alright so he did do Roger Rabbit, and perhaps he hoped this movie would reach the same level of cult status or fame, but he was sadly and grossly mistaken. Jamie's wife is Traylor Howard who we all know from Two Guys, a girl and a pizza place playing, you guessed it, 'a girl'. Her role here is tame and without real merit. Her part does beg the question 'what the fuck made her love Jamie to begin with'. Jamie is kind of a fuck up. Sure he has a degree in animation and is working a job in animation but still he comes off as a dead end loser. Perhaps it's just his demeanor, but everything about him screams loser.

I know punching babies is frowned upon in modern society, but no baby has made me this annoyed since the Olsen twins. 
Lastly we have the kid. That fucking kid. Played, as almost always, by a seemingly endless number of identical twins in Hollywood, this kid is just downright annoying. The few parts that aren't CGI they bomb. I don't know if it's because I'm in a pissy mood in general for watching this film, or because he is genuinely horrible. I'm leaning towards the latter. Mostly because it makes me happy but also because those twins have literally never been in anything else. So somebody out there must have seen this and thought “fuck no”. In Son of the Mask they obviously play the title role. Born of the mask it's referred to as in the movie several times. Like somebody the DNA of a mask wearer and human DNA mix up and create something out of nothing. I don't know. Nothing is really explained in the movie because there isn't an explanation for any of it that would make sense – even within the movie universe. How the hell can two year olds even bomb in a role like this? They aren't doing much. They are just babies! And yet, I haven't been this aggravated at a kid in a movie since the last superbabies flick. They try to mask most of it with CGI which could've worked, if it hadn't been for the fact, that all the gags are just horribly executed and crude in a non funny way. Nothing is funny. Nothing works. Everything is pointless.

Bob Hoskins, ladies and gentlemen. Academy award nominee Bob Hoskins. 
The CGI in general in this movie is over done. I get that the movie has no real content and nothing really to carry it through. And that the CGI is relatively well done. Not well designed, but well done. It's cartooney and looks decent for a movie that only the most hardcore believer could've had true faith in. It's just no where near enough to take the mind off of what a horrible piece of shit everything else is. Especially the way Jamie Kennedy looks when wearing the mask. I mean, is it a porcelain masking they have somehow clicked onto his face? What the fuck is going on with that. I don't expect it to look believable, because how could it? But at least don't make it look that stupid. They try to throw a few song and dance numbers at us, because they worked in The Mask, but they fall flat on their face. No gusto or effort really. Just half assing it. Alan Cumming tries a coy and trickstery approach as Loki, but it comes off as laughable. Enough so to make me wonder how the hell he pulled through it without throwing up. Bob Hoskins and him play back and forth on some father/son rivalry, but it doesn't really work. At all. It's not explained why Odin is pissed or why he wants Loki to find the mask that badly. Or why there is a countdown for Loki to find it. Or why the fuck he even shows up in the first place. God dammit.

I never really liked Jamie Kennedy. This movie didn't help. He always plays an annoying person. Perhaps he is typecast, I don't know. 
This movie is colorful and tries hard to be something it never could be. It somehow managed to lure in a few decent names, but nobody seems engaged enough or caring enough to put in more than a fleeting moment's effort. It's empty and pointless. Everything about it is. Not a chuckle, a smirk or a twinkle in my eyes happened at any point here. And I watched it on a plane going from Toronto to Denver, with no wifi and only pay per view in-flight entertainment. I had literaly nothing else to do, than stare out the window, and still this movie was the worse alternative. I could've looked at the wing of a flying airplane, and marveled at the concept of humans in flight, and felt like I had spent my two hours more constructively than watching this movie. I wish I had done that instead.  

Sunday, 26 April 2015

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 52 Red Zone Cuba (Night Train to Mundo Fine)

Convicts fighting the filthy commies during the early Cold War slash Great Depression times in Cuba? It's a thing here, and we're in for a rare gem tonight. If by gem I mean a piece of badly fossilized mammoth fecal matter. I almost lack words to adequately convey how watching this movie made me feel. I found some, as you will soon read. But just know, that tonight's text did not come easy. With, sadly, no further ado, I am about to review...

'I was blackmailed into this. Why did I have to snort all that coke off of a hooker's ass'

Movies made in one era, possibly made out to look like they were from a different era, without consistency or attention to detail? Yes, this one is such a movie. And I'm not even sure it was a deliberate attempt at a period piece or even a deliberate attempt at a... well, piece. It was cack. Dreg. Shit. Crap. Waste of time and brain cells, even if I doubt any were wasted on making it I know some were on watching it. I think my 6 year old great-niece would be embarrassed had her group of little preschool friends gotten together, and cranked out this 90 minute dog turd. Imagine getting smacked in the face with a wet newspaper (Sunday edition) repeatedly for six hours. Then multiply that by infinity and you're tapping into the feeling I had when the credits, finally, rolled on this movie. It's just not OK. It's not.

The famed title train. That plays a surprisingly small role. As in it's not even a minor plot element.

The plot. No, I can't use the word plot with a straight face to describe things in this movie. The scenes in this movie are as nonsensical as any I've ever seen. Troll 2 was a Scorsese masterpiece in comparison. Things that happen in Red Zone Cuba can't possibly have made sense anywhere, on paper or in the mind of whoever deranged individual conceived it. We open with a reporter interviewing some dude at a train yard. No introduction or lead in. He reveals that 3 guys ran across the yard the night before and into a train. The reporter is shocked, and the music reflects that the mood now is supposed to be shocked. But what the fuck? We have no context in which to feel shock. 3 escaped convicts ran into a train? Who gives a shit? The credits begin, while the train dude serves his second, and last, purpose in this film: singing the theme song. Granted, he did an OK job. But it doesn't in any way make up for the subsequent 75 minutes of life draining 'entertainment'. Perhaps the rest of the movie is a flashback, but the action, if we can use that word without flinching, takes places before, during and after the three convicts are in a train, and there is no possible way that train yard stoogie could have any fucking clue what they were up to before or after just from vaguely seeing them run across a yard. What the hell do these people take me for?

This guy was choked to within an inch of his life for no reason. He hit a trigger word apparenrly
The three convicts start out as two guys, possibly convicts we can't say for sure because nobody tells us. The third guy sneaks into the back of their pick up truck and they all become fast friends once he threatens them with a gun. They decide to join the Army, because there is a crisis going on down in Cuba, and the Army is paying a thousand bucks to people who join, and another thousand when they return. They meet a guy who flies them down there for 15 dollars a piece. They haven't got the money so they offer him their pick up truck. He says it's worth 35 dollars. Then he accepts it as payment for ll three. 3X15>35 last time I checked, but hey... anything to move this shit along. They join the army and start the lamest training I've ever seen. Basically just jumping off a small hill, some 4-5 feet, then climbing back up. At night they discuss stuff in their bunk beds. The third guy, who is the worst of the three, suddenly jumps up and starts choking one of the other two. No explanation. Meant to convey drama or tension I'm sure. It didn't. They are finally shipped off to Cuba after the worst depiction of a mission briefing in the history of cinema or man kind as a whole. It looks like a kid was given a bunch of crayons and told to draw a map of Narnia. What the shit? They hit the beach of Cuba during night time, scale a hill by means of a rope some infiltrator had hung there the night before, and are immediately captured by Cuban forces. Like not even really a fight. Just captured. It's pitiful. In the shed they are in, and it's really just a shed with big open windows, no bars no locks just a big hole in the wall through which they could climb at ANY moment, they rendezvous with a fellow soldier, who is shot in the leg. Apparently his leg has contracted gangrene in the space of 24 hours. He talks of his family farm, and claims there are thousands worth of metals and other resources. If only they'd take him with them. They don't.

This was the window to their prison cell. The guards walked around. It would've taken two seconds to slip out and run. But no.
They steal an airplane, that one of them magically is able to pilot, and fly back to the States, where they steal a car and head to the train yard, where they get on a train. Back off the train, they need transportation and steal another car. It seems like it would've been easier to just keep the first car. Or fly the airplane further than they did. Or sell the airplane? No? Alright. Anyway, they finally hit the farm of their soldier friend, whose wife readily lets them in and says she'll help them mine her husband's resources. This makes so little sense, I think I forgot precious childhood memories because my mind was thrown into severe acute dementia right then and there. Two cops that look like they were stationed specifically to look for these convicts, see them and report it in. We are treated to a brief arrest of the two lesser evils, and the wife being shot by main baddie before he's shot from a helicopter, faintly reminiscent of that other movie I reviewed here in which somebody was shot from a helicopter (editor's note: It was The Skydivers).

This guy was in the prison cell with our protagonists. He isn't referred to at all or explained. He's just sleeping.Until another unexplained prisoner is up for execution, upon which this guy hands him a painting he's had under his blanket. I don't know. 
For a film with no discernible plot, using three paragraphs to describe it might strike some as odd. I agree. However I think I've found, that the less sense the plot makes, the harder it is to actually describe it. If a movie makes perfect chronological and logical sense, relaying it is a piece of cake. This one certainly doesn't make sense. So let's have a looksee at who the fuck took time out of their no doubt insignificant schedule to grace us with their cinematic presence. First off it's singing train yard guy. Now his face was mildly familiar, but it wasn't until later I realized it was John Carradine. Yes, that daytime Emmy winning walk of fame star awarded dad of autoerotic asphyxiation in a Bangkok 2 dollar hotel room victim David Carradine John Carradine. Joining the cast to smoke ominously and sing the title track that really wasn't the title track because the movie wasn't called Night Train to Mundo Fine anyway I think. It's unclear. It's kind of like it's two movies fused into one, because somebody couldn't quite decide. John Carradine does little besides kick this shitfest off with a song. Then, of course, there is Coleman Francis. Oh my god Coleman Francis. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and dedicate a whole paragraph to Coleman. I'll see you in the next paragraph for this one.

Military briefing detailing their 8 man invasion of Cuba. I'm all for making indie films on a small budget, but this is just ridiculous. 
Hi and welcome to this paragraph dedicated to Coleman Francis and why you should hate him now, if you aren't already. 'Why would I hate him? I've only just met him?' I can almost hear you thinking, and if it had been almost anybody else I might be inclined to agree with you. Surely he's an upstanding citizen, man of the cloth, small business owner, chairman of the tennants association in his building? I can't dispute any of those things, nor do I care to. Remember how I mentioned a scene in Red Zone Mundo Cuba Train similar to The Skydivers reviewed some time back? It's not a coincidence. You can thank Francis Coleman. He is the brains moron behind both. Not only is he the dude who chose to sneeze his cinematic mucus all over the world, he is also the 'star' of this movie as well as 'acting' in The Skydivers. Good heavens, thinking back on Skydivers I almost remember it fondly. At least in comparison to this complete codswallop. He made Skydivers, figured it wasn't enough mayhem released on an unsuspecting world, and found the resources to make this movie as well. He died in the late 70s a mere 53 years old. I guess making shitty movies takes its toll. But alas, my dearest Readington, our run in with Mr. Francis doesn't end here. No. He wrote and directed a third movie. Ah yes, the fairy tale 3. We remember that from last time. The most diligent of you will already have looked his ass up on IMDb, and to you I say 'I am proud of you, but don't ruin it for those who like to keep living with the suspense' because you see, his third movie is also on this list. It's going to be a bit yet before we reach it, but when we do, I feel certain it'll be blatantly apparent.

Speaking of ridiculous, this is the military training. This and jumping off a 5 foot obstacle. 
Summing everything up in a paragraph is both hard and easy. Actually it's not that hard. But it's not that easy either. The movie sucked. It sucked hard. And what's more, besides terribly terrible acting, abysmal writing, completely void of imagination direction as well as the general feel of being invited into a well assorted French wine cellar for a glas of luke warm butter milk, this movie was ugly. Yes, butt fucking ugly. It looked like it was recorded on equipment modern when Abraham Lincoln was still El Presidente. Further more, it looked like the people who churned this shit out couldn't quite decide whether the movie ought to look like it was from the 30s (John Carradine was in Grapes of Wrath after all) or if it was supposed to be contemporary. I guess that could be a credit to them, seeing as they made the movie timeless in essence. However, it didn't work. At all. It feels weirdly mixed and indecisive, and it doesn't do the movie any favors. Like the 3 dudes are in a work camp and run around in clothes that kind of look 1930ish, but then they are off to fight Cubans at the Bay of Pigs and drive Cadillacs. It doesn't make sense. Coleman Francis is supremely annoying as the main bad guy, trying to appear deeper and thoughtful while just coming off as a Special Education kid who ate paint chips for supper every day before his teens. He is laughably amateur. Nobody does an even passable job with acting. The lighting throughout the movie is horrible, in an attempt I think, to make the movie gritty and noir. It feels like somebody forgot the develop the film properly.

Did I use the word ridiculous yet? This is the entire army. Invading Cuba. 
I hated every second of this shitty flick, and it's hit Top 5 of worst movies on this list for me, so far. I just made up that Top 5 and perhaps this isn't even on there. I can't honestly remember which movies I hated more than others. I try not to think about it too much, for fear of going on a rampage. That's right. Rampage. It's nearing that point.   

Sunday, 19 April 2015

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 54 I accuse my parents

If I had a quarter for every time I've gotten out of murder charges by saying it's my parent's fault, I'd have almost enough for a down payment on a can of soda. Of course I would never say it was my parent's fault. Not me. No I've gotten acquitted every single time I've been on trial for murder with no help. Ain't nothing to it really. But tonight we look at a guy, who just doesn't have what it take to walk away from murder without involving his parental units. It's probably obvious by now, but if you are still curious, please join me in taking a look at...

It was love at first show measurement for Jimmeh and Kitteh. She was his first customer, so it's only natural that she has the right of way. 

This one goes way back. Why a movie from 1944, our oldest yet I believe, by a fairly large margin, is still being downvoted to the bottom 100 list is hard to say. I mean it's not a good film really, but it's from 1944. I believe good movies then relied very heavily on subject matter and not on flashy effects and big explosions – such as what makes movies really good today. That's what makes movies really good isn't it? Of course it is. Back in 1944 you had to rely on annoying things like story and dialogue. This movie isn't exactly the cinematic equivalent of a Rembrandt, but it's relatively coherent and very straight forward. Oh I'm not about this film in any way really, it was quite boring. But it seems a lot like many other 40s or perhaps 50s movies I've seen, and I'm just wondering what makes this one extra shitty in particular. By comparison, I mean. The only other 1940s movies I can remember having watched off the top of my head were Disney productions. Pinocchio. Bambi. Fantasia. Then there is Mr. Smith goes to Washington (1939) and Ivanhoe with Elizabeth Taylor from 1952 that sort of come close enough to count. Ivanhoe is fucking excellent. For some reason I watched that movie religiously when I was a kid. Perhaps it was the fascination with Elizabeth Taylor or the cool knights fighting for honor on both sides of the moral spectrum. I don't know. But by today's standards both those movies (I'm discounting the Disney ones because they are animated and don't really count as movies in the sense we're talking here. Yes they are movies, but not ones that are relevant here. What? No I know they are technically movies, but... you know what, just shut up. This is my blog and I decide what is and isn't relevant) seem kind of tame. But the message in them stand the test of time. In I accuse my parents, apparently, it doesn't. What is the message? Let's find out.

'You want me to break up with Jimmy? But I loooove him Meester Blake' 'I don't care Kitty my girl. It just wasn't meant to be'
The plot is simple (I feel like this is a moot point now, but I still have an urge to make it apparent each time). The genetrically named James 'Jimmy' Wilson is a good kid. He does well in school. He is liked. Likable even. And wouldn't you know it, he won an essay contest and is encouraged to bring his mother to school to engage in setting up the graduation party. But alas, despite Jimmy's claims to the contrary, he is not the product of a happy home. His mom and dad fights and drinks and parties a lot, and when his mom arrives at the school to help, she does so in a state of inebriation – shocking the poor 1940s faculty. Jimmy rushes her off, and in sheer desperation takes a job as a shoe salesman. Here he falls in love with the very first customer, the beautiful Kitty. Kitty reciprocates, and they go out on a date. Jimmy boasts about his happy family, for some reason I can't explain. Kitty is a singer at a club, and her admirer Charles Blake shows up too. Old Mr. Blake is supposedly a gangster and isn't too keen on seen Jimmy slobber all over Kitty whom he had kind of eyed for himself. He offers Jimmy the chance to make some extra cash when Jimmy has a hard time paying the bar tap, and despite Kitty's half assed warnings, Jimmy considerings the offer.

'But moooooooom!'
Jimmy eventually takes Mr. Blake up on the offer and starts running deliveries. Something about a bank box and a package. It didn't seem that shady at first, but alas, eventually Mr. Blake is fed up with Jimmy's can-do bullshit, and sets him up for a good old fashioned frame job. First he has Kitty break up with Jimbo in the worst way since Kristen Stewart and R-Pat! Then he lured Jimmy into an ambush, and had him beat the fuck up. With nothing to lose, and parents off on another binger, Jimmy skipped town. He landed himself in the diner of some helpful old nutter, that offered him free food and a job right off the bat. With new confidence instilled in himself, Jimmy did some soul searching, and went back to confront his demons and tormentors. During a heated argument with Mr. Blake, and subsequent kerfuffle over a gun and whether or not Jimmy was going to take down the whole damn crime syndicate, well wouldn't you know it, Mr. Blake went and got himself fatally killed. A gunshot right to the unspecificed bodypart did him in. Jimmy was left with the smoking gun right as 5-O ran through the door. Now Jimmy is on trial, and refuses to speak in his own defense, until the very last minute. His defense? I accuse my parents. And wouldn't you know it, it worked. He had a rough childhood. The judge finds him not guily of manslaughter. But guilty of aiding and abetting, which is 5 years in the slammer. This sentence is suspended because Jimmy sports some grandmaster level puppy dog eyes and gains favor with the judge. Kitty and Jimmy's parents rush to hug and kiss him, as the judge delivers a heads up to the few people still awake at this point; Don't fuck off on your kids, people... It's not nice and you may end up almost inadvertently having them sent to jail for murder and other nefarious criminal actions.

They almost had to put in a new category at the Oscars for this movie: 'least hetero fight scene'. A category that would've been won by Body in the Web years after.
There's the movie in a nutshell. It's pretty much just one long public service announcement. The interesting (understood in the loosest possible sense of the word) part is, that the message is actually valid. I mean it's logical I guess. If you don't give a fuck about your kids, then chances are good they'll drift away from you. However, Jimmy outright blaming his parents for him getting involved in organized crime and subsequently being part of a fatal shooting is perhaps taking it a step too far. There are always choices, really. Jimmy had a sweet 25 dollar a week shoe salesman job for Pete's sake. Good honest work. But the dame brought him down. Or his perception of what she wanted in him. It's revealed earlier on, before his mom shows up drunk at his school, that Jimmy believes the place for a woman is at home. That the finest job a woman can aspire to, is being a good housewife. Now it's the 1940s, so this obviously isn't that much of a controversial statement. Hell even today, there is still something honorable about keeping house. The difference is, I think, that today it's something a woman (or even a man) chooses, whereas in the 1940s it wasn't as much a choice as it was expected. Jimmy hit the nail on the head with this one. His mom shows up drunk and undermines his point immediately, so whatever. He thinks he has to show Kitty a good time, and buy her presents. “It's fun buying you presents' he exclaims when she is surprised he brought her another item. Clearly Kitty and Jimmy ought to have a chat about expectations.

Jimbo right after having his 1940s ass handed to him by a couple of Blake's goons. He's a broken man. 
Overall the performances and action in this movie was pretty wooden. It's from the 40s after all. Sound and picture lacked in quality even by those standards. Acting was subpar, but passable. The story was coherent and linear. Like described above, it was a story easily contained in two paragraphs of this amateur's words, and while most of the movies reviewed here are laughably simplistic, I've found it's still kind of hard to squeeze it all down into two paragraphs, which is what I've decided to dedicate to reviewing the plot. This movie fit in snuggly. It was boring, and I was almost asleep at the end of the movie. Even with a good night of rest behind me. So too simplistic. But easily reviewable. That's a + I guess. Most of the other movies make zero sense, and so the story is hard to really convey. I often find, when I write about these flicks, that it's super frustrating because I don't feel I can accurately convey just how extremely stupid and pointless the plots or scenes or actions of characters are. I mean I'm almost tempted to suggest you watch one or two just to get a feel of how incredibly high on drugs the people conceiving and/or green lighting these productions must have been. So little sense is made, so when a movie like this comes along that actually makes sense in it's own context, you can't help but notice. Like I said, it's not a good flick, despite a somewhat valid message. But it makes sense. For the love of everything that is holy, it makes sense.

Business Enterprises is the most generic sounding venture description. Possibly of all time. New Oscar category anyone? No? Alright. 
OK I strayed off the path there for a second. It's just that this movie was really bland, and I'm a little confused why it's on this list to begin with. But it is, and now I've seen it. So when people ask me “Have you seen any good movies from the 40s?” I can answer no, and then follow it up with 'but I have seen A movie from the 40s, and it was called I accuse my parents'. I also saw fucking Pinocchio and Bambi and Fantasia but I already told you I wasn't going to include them in this, so just lay off it already. God damn it's like you had stock in Disney or something. Besides which, Pinocchio was fucking weird. I recently realized I might not have ever seen the full film, so I went ahead and did that. Whoever made that movie wasn't feeling alright. It's dark as fuck. Kids being abducted into some weird slave labor work camp and transformed into donkeys? Short of an analogy on Nazi germany, and by all means that's entirely possible, that's just not ok. I won't say I was shocked, because honestly that takes a bit, but I did feel it was kind of out there, and I'm surprised it's still considered a Disney classic. But it is. I Accuse My Parents isn't. It's not considered a classic by any stretch of the imagination. But it exists, I watched it and if you are reading these words, it means you sat through 2½ pages of words conveying my thoughts about having viewed it. So kudos to all of us, I think.