Friday 16 January 2015

IMDb Bottom 100 Review - Number 62 Anus Magillicutty

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 62 Anus Magillicutty

This movie... I remember people talking about it, years ago, as 'totally rad' and 'so funny you're gonna die laughing, bro'. Because I rather value life, I refrained from watching it. Today, however, I could no longer postpone. It was time to watch the movie that may possibly top Troll 2 as the most unintentionally stupid attempt at an actual film. Only, it's impossible to tell if these people are actually serious or not. It's that bad. Or complicated? Either way, please join me on a trip through 68 minutes of moving colored images on a screen. It's time to review...

Anus Magillicutty (2003)

This fucking scene. It went on way longer than it should have. Purpose of scene? None. 
Yes, you read that number correctly. A mere 68 times does the thinnest hand traverse the circumference of a clock possibly making this the shortest movie on this list. And still, somehow, I managed to be pretty bored during at least 40 of those minutes. And kind of bored the remaining 28. The plot outline from IMDb is wildly generous. It lead me to believe scenes in this movie actually had red thread stringing them together, albeit that thread may possibly be so faint it was pink. I found, not completely surprising, that this wasn't even really the case. Scenes happened with no apparent adherence to story or script or even a general idea of what was going to happen, and why. I'm perfectly at ease with no significant dwelling on back stories of characters. But they have to at least have enough to motivate me to give a shit. I mean, why else would I want to watch them fuck around for 68 minutes? To run a blog? Not in this lifetime, matey.

Chee-Chee and Anus share their first on screen moment. Also their last. Chemistry is abundant. 
I'll see if I can flesh the plot out over two paragraphs, even if it's going to be tricky. I know I often say the plot is non existent in most of these movies, becaAnus MagillicuttyAnus Magillicuttyuse the stories are so thin, it's hard to imagine somebody sat down, with the intention of writing a story anybody with more than a 4 year old's worldly experiences wouldn't wrinkle their noses at. But in this particular case, I very seriously doubt the story or plot was anymore than “Anus goes from A to B to C and fade to black!”. There is nothing that spurs all this on or starts it off. It's just that. Dude drives around town, communicates with one or two people (note how I opted for the word communicate in lieu of the usual verb 'talk' – what goes on in this movie can hardly be described as actual talking or holding a conversation on any level). Fights break out for no reason. And sex and/or naked ladies happen for absolutely no reason too. In fact, the movie practically opens with a 4 minute sex scene. For a 68 minute movie, a 4 minute scene scene is pretty bold. And ultra dull. Anus Magillicutty

Guy ruining Anus' body dumping shenanigans. Interesting trivia: that dude is credited as white trash piece of shit. 
Anyway, here goes the plot. Anus (yes...) is at a bar. His opening line is: There are always two things on my mind: tits. Then sex scene. Then guy breaks into Anus' house and tries to shot him in his sleep, but his girlfriend wakes up, disarms the killer, and busts a few caps in his ass. Anus snoozes through all of this. Weeks seemingly pass by, with the rotting corpse of the killer deposited in the kitchen trash can – a concept Anus' father eventually tires of. He pesters Anus to take out the trash. Anus isn't happy, but complies. It's unclear if he's aware that it's a corpse. He takes it to a dumpster, where a fight breaks out with the unreasonably abrasive hobo living behind the dumpster. It ends when the hobo spontaneously combusts. Anus drives on, apparently unwilling to dump the body next to the charred remains of a hobo. He consults Brother Magillicutty who, for some weird reason, isn't his brother. Not by birth anyway. He is found on a bench, feeding ducks. Anus and Brother have apparently struck a deal with the Devil, exchanging their souls for looking really good. Brother takes Anus to his contact, Don Frank, who Anus manages to insult. Anus goes home, but is assaulted by another assassin and taken to the desert before he succeeds. Are you still with me here? Because there is more. Having chopped off the assassin's hand, Anus manages to scare him off, and proceeds to walk home, where he fights with his girlfriend in the shower, then sex (scene). Then another assault by an assassin whom Anus stabs with a butter knife. All this killing doesn't seem to phase Anus, and nobody else in the house are affected either. I guess the dad won't mind until the corpse starts stinking up the place.

Brother Magillicutty, with whom Anus struck a deal with the Devil (soulds for beauty), feeding wildlife at the local park bench. 
I won't reveal the ending here, for those devoted fans out there still holding out for the blu-ray version (actually I will. Anus meets up with Chee-Chee – a gangster overlord, for a pointless conversation that ends with Anus strangling Chee-Chee to death. He then meets the Devil, thinking Lucifer himself was behind the whole thing. Turns out old Lucy just wanted the corpse of the first assassin out of the trunk. The movie ends there, nothing having been resolved, no points made or anything noteworthy at all. Huzzah!). So in the middle of this flick, we see two semi-nude chicks semi-cavorting in a bed. This has no bearing on the already dwindling sense of story. The girls aren't characters in the movie. They have no reason to be there. But alas, they are. Later on, another scene with two chicks and a banana. The point? None. I'm not a prude or against gratuitous nudity. Perhaps I'm old fashioned though, when I have this weird notion, that nudity needs a purpose in, what is for all intents and purposes, a mainstream movie. I don't know if this movie is really a porno that the makers thought was such a masterpiece, they released it as a 'normal' movie, with the actual sex scenes cut out. It's happened before. If that's the case, finding this piece of shit on the Bottom 100 list must be bittersweet – people see it and recognize it, but it's still just a piece of shit.

Lucifer makes a cameo at the end. He just wanted some corpse action. Can't blame the dude really.
I want to take a little more time discussing the nudity in this movie. Because there was a lot of it, and again, it's 68 minutes long. That's an hour and change. With easily 15 of those minutes spent JUST on girls in a more or less declad state, it kind of makes me ponder what the purpose of it was. Just one movie ago we were exposed, as it were, to our very first set of female pectoral covers and now we are literally up to our necks in them. By this rate, we'll be waist deep by the time we reach the midway point. Sex sells, as I've discussed a few times. And female nudity is something of a crowd pleaser, I don't think I'm too innovative in saying. However, nudity for the sake of nudity seems different. Granted, this movie is horrible, and even filling 68 minutes is an accomplishment without just throwing in a loop of a girl sucking on a banana. But still, it seems like this movie wasn't as much made for a general release, as it was just a fucking off project for a small group of college students (not film students... I hope). The only piece of IMDb trivia reveals, that this movie was 99.9% unscripted. While I have no qualms believing this to be the case, based on, well, having seen the movie, I do wonder what part of the movie that last 0.01% refers to. Perhaps the title scripled in the back of a beer mat means they can confidently say .01% of this movie was scripted. Besides, trivia on IMDb is user submitted – albeit from users with a certain social standing. At least a certain social standing within the confines of an IMDb context. That being said, whenever shit is denoted as being 99.9% of something, my credibility meter kind of tilts toward the lower end of the scale. Why not just say it was all unscripted. I don't think finding people to pose nude for your arthouse film project is particularly hard, but still these girls must've been convinced this was going to be big or at the very least be a way to expand into dancing or modeling. I don't know. I guess they could just be friends of the director who didn't mind licking pesticides off of a banana peel for 5 minutes. What do I know? I'm just a movie reviewer. 

Anus was watching this early on in the movie. I think he called it cartoons. 
Unsurprisingly, most of the people involved in this production, have never dealt with the movie industry before or after. They have been involved in, what seems to be, each other's small projects. One has a talk show possibly? No episodes are credited, no writers, nothing of interest is written about it. Sounds like it never really came to fruition. One person is an exception, it seems. Joe Hall, who played both Chee-Chee, Satan and the kitchen assassin (he was so poorly disguised as kitchen assassin, that I thought it was supposed to be his character of Chee-Chee. Color me surprised when Chee-Chee turned up alive and well not 5 minutes later!), worked on Lord of the Rings: Return of the King as a system administrator. And a Spider-Man flick. And other random shit as well. Granted, it's hardly glamorous, but at least he's in there. I wonder if he had to tell the story of Anus Magillicutty at the lunch table a lot. The name makes a guy wonder, does it not? Who the fuck came up with that in the first place. I'm going to have to conclude, that this movie, while surely a college stoned-out-of-their-minds-at-3-am buddies getting together project, had to have been tongue in cheek at least to a little degree. The Troll 2 crew were dead fucking serious from A to Z, but there is precisely no way this movie was created with furrowed brow and trousers at half mast. If that is reality I deny reality. The cover of the film claims it's the worst movie ever made. Another piece of evidence supporting my theory, that these guys understood just how bad it was. Some of the dialogue, clearly improvised on the spot, was stupid but genuinely stupid. Some of it was attempting to be funny, and while it failed, it at least indicated self awareness. In the end, I have no clue what the fuck to think, but it's pretty clear, that whatever the intention was, the end product was 67 minutes too long, and I had to watch it because you guys would probably turn me in, if I didn't.

First assassin. Angry in death even. Intense. 


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