Tuesday, 24 March 2015

IMDb Bottom 100 Review - Number 57 Car 54 Where Are You

A movie featuring a Rosie O’Donnell sex scene has to be high up on the list of movies you just don’t want to see, right? Wrong-o my one way friend. This one is something of a sleeper hit, if you’d be so kind as to pardon the pun. Oh there wasn’t one? I thought there was. In any case, the movie is bearable, and not in any way because of Rosie. Or the thankfully not so racy sex scene he is involved in. It’s bearable and that scares me to my core. Have I gone mad? Determine for yourself, as you watch me convey a few words about..


Toody wakes up from a musical dream in the middle of a riot. It's reasonable. 
Car 54, Where are you? (1994)

One of the first movies on this list I had actually kind of looked forward to. What? You heard me. John C. McGinley? Yes! Fran Drescher? Oh yeah! Rosie O’Donnell? Well ok. Daniel Baldwin? Alright I’m done. Apparently a remake of an early 60s TV show by the same name, this movie was also originally a musical, but someone thought fuck that and edited out all but two musical numbers. Which, I guess, was for the best? It’s hard to really say if the movie would’ve been improved by keeping the music in. I doubt it somehow, but then again weirder shit has been known to happen. Saying I had looked forward to seeing this movie was perhaps a rushed statement, but I will say it looked slightly better than a lot of the other movies on the list. And it turned out to actually kind of be. More on that after the break.

Rosie O'fuckingDonnell. That hair alone should make you want to watch this flick.
So the story here is straight forward and surprisingly coherent in nature. Coherent as in we don’t see too many of the B100 trademark “where the fuck did that come from?” scenes we’re used to. Granted, I was eating during the final 20 minutes of the movie, and once or twice while busy cutting out a sweet juicy bite, I missed a thing or two on screen. I considered rewinding real fast, but thought it might not be worth the effort. Anyway, I’m straying from the point. The movie is about Officer Toody and his new partner Officer Muldoon. Toody is a stupid useless fuck up, and Muldoon is his new by the book partner, that arrives at the precinct with a state of the art computer system that tracks squad cars and other crime fighting related shit that isn’t thoroughly explained and, frankly, nobody gives a fuck about anyway. He’s fresh out of the academy. At first he is all over the place when patrolling, wanting to haul every swinging dick and his great aunt downtown for questioning, but Officer Toody’s ineptitude soon puts a stop to that diligence. So often the case, isn’t it? You start at a new job and are about making a difference, until somebody who’s life force was quenched years ago manage to beat the positivity out of you, and drag you down to the slow and steady pace of the rest of us.

If Rosie's hair didn't do it, this suit should. And John C. McGinley. Seriously. 
Toody and Muldoon soon balance things out, and Toody takes the awkward with women Muldoon on a double date with his wife and the venerable Velma Velour. What Toody fails to tell Muldoon is, that Velour apparently has made her rounds with every officer at the precinct. Muldoon falls in love, and makes a food of himself when he announces this at a staff meeting. But since the feeling is reciprocated by Velour, this sub plot doesn’t really pan out like one could imagine. Much like real life, apparently nobody gives a shit about a new partners past endeavors. Points for realism. Meanwhile, their Captain wants them to safeguard a mafia informant, that the local Don wants killed. During this, Toody decides to go undercover as the hitman Detroit Dan, but his cover is blown when his antsy wife finds him and starts bitching. So much for going undercover in the part of town you reside where everybody knows who you are. Things really heat up in the exciting crescendo, where Muldoon, Toody, his wife and Velour hit Coney Island with gangsters and police in tow. Hilarity ensues. Not a dry seat in the house for this one, my friends.

If Rosie and John didn't make you want to illegally download this movie straight away, because fuck paying money for it right, Adam Baldwin ought to finish you off. 
What do you know, it’s a buddy cop movie. From the mid 90s. Actually this movie came out in the same year as Pulp Fiction. It doesn’t quite hold up like old Pulp F does, but still it carries merit. Certainly more than Plump Fiction ever did. I’ll readily agree that doesn’t take any effort on anybody’s part, but I think you’ll agree with me, that accolades are seldomly found in these reviews. I’m so torn, you guys, between an inherent need to adhere to expectations and tear these movies apart and the weird feeling that I’ve somehow managed to upset my mental equilibrium. How dire the consequences could be? What if I end up liking these movies, singing their praises from here on out? You guys? If I watch Superbabies 2 and my review would garner any less than an R rating, please call 911 and tell them there is a crazy movie reviewer on the loose. Because I will have effectively lost my shit by then, and should probably be relegated to the confines of a padded cell with some sort of restraining garments splashed across my frail but aesthetically pleasing human male frame. When you’ve called 911, lock up your kids and pets and stop the gold fish pond pump from running. Also make sure you stock up on canned peaches. I fucking hate canned peaches. I recently discussed canned peaches with this girl I’ve grown extensively fond of, and she can vouch for the truth in that statement. I really don’t like canned peaches. You may think all this canned peaches talk is terribly interesting albeit irrelevant in a movie reviewing context. If that was a thought in your head, you would be correct. I’ll let it rest, for now, and move on to an item I think you’ll find particularly juicy. Back to you, Tom.

All joking almost aside, let Fran Drescher convince you this is a must see. Just do it. 
Thank you, Dave. Toody is played by David Johansen, and he employs a really annoying voice, for some reason. I never saw the original show, so I can’t say if it’s a tribute or just a shitty decision on the part of the actor/director. The weird thing is, he actually grew on me as the movie progressed. I know, right. What the fuck is happening to me? John C. McGinley I’ve always liked, and while he’s not really very John C. McGinleyee here as the timid Officer Muldoon, he still manages a performance that elevates the quality level of this film substantially. Fran Drescher is a delight, even thought she isn’t really. I don’t know what to make of that. Her sitcom was subpar, and I’ve only really seen her in that princess Sound of Music knock off flick with Timothy Dalton, so I don’t know what I’m basing this affection on. But there is an affection. Daniel Baldwin looks like a mix between Alec and Stephen here, and while I’m not a fan of this dude at all, as the least cool Baldwin brother, even his performance doesn’t make me want to hurt somebody. The last two known faces are Jeremy Piven and Rosie O’Donnell respectively, and I have to admit Piven made me chuckle twice and while O’Donnell was so 90s I almost passed out, her deliberately annoying performance kind of fit. It’s the weirdest feeling, you guys, but I actually didn’t hate this movie.

This is the system John C has installed. It's showing cop car locations possibly? They are converging on the same important location it seems. 
Yes it was kind of stupid, and corny, but surprisingly easy to follow. And I know it’s oxymoronic really, because these movies are so simple in their structure, that they are actually hard to follow, if by follow you mean make perfect sense of. This film didn’t seem to take itself too seriously. Even though some higher up decided it needed to be more serious and cut the musical vibe, it was light hearted. There were 3 moments where I actually genuinely chuckled at… well I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say I chuckled at a joke, but a few things were delivered in a way that I kind of thought was amusing. I think that may very well be a first for these reviews. Actually chuckling at the movie in a non mocking way. This scares me, because I can’t tell if I’m completely desensitized now, and the B100 movies will become funnier and better to me, or if this particular film doesn’t really deserve the spot it has on the list. I don’t think I’d go so far as to say I liked the movie, but it was definitely better than the others I’ve seen on this list. Alright so it doesn’t take much to rise above the crowd here, but remember I started with the ‘best’ movie on the list: Troll 2. And I absolutely fucking hated every mindnumbingly shitflingingly crotchpunchingly pointless second of that one. It was supposed to get worse after that. And while I will concede that there have been some absolute shitstorms on the list thus far, I think I’ll still go ahead and say Troll 2 takes the cake for me. Car 54 is a shoddy flick, but it’s not B100 crappy.

Toody goes undercover disguised as a slightly stupider looking version of himself. This picture doesn't do the gag justice, because the lady changes clothing four times as she leads him through underground tunnels. Actually I didn't get that gag. 

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