Friday, 10 October 2014

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 70 Maskeli besler: Kibris

Turkish films. I'm desperately trying to remember if I've ever actually seen one before. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are any number of distinguished Turkish films. I just haven't seen them. I'm not adverse to international cinema, not at all, but I literally just haven't seen any Turkish ones. I mean does that make me a bad person or what are you insinuating here. So I haven't seen a Turkish film. Big whoop? You wanna fight about it? Or, and I'm betting this will be more up your alley, would you rather want to read a review written by a dude who has not seen what he's reviewing. If you do, then please go on reading the review of...

Maskeli besler: Kibris (2008)

So here's an interesting fact: I have not actually seen this movie. Yes, that's right. I can not locate this movie in any way, form or shape. No media, legal, illegal, online or offline has this movie for me to see. I don't know if I could walk into any DVD rental place in Turkey (or VHS rental place perhaps? No that's terribly pretentious of me to say, strike that from record) and this movie would be everywhere. If that's the case, let me just say the following: I love you guy(s) (my reader(s), not Turkish filmmakers (put this on the record: I don't actually know any Turkish film makers, so I'm not really saying I don't like them generally speaking as much as I'm saying, that in this particular case, the reader(s) is/are the one(s) I love and Turkish filmmakers, as lovely as they may be, aren't inherently loved by me))... I forgot where I was going with this. But suffice it to say, this movie may be super popular in Turkey, and I would be none the wiser. 2303 people have voted on it on IMDb which, amusingly enough, is precisely 99 more than Stjerner uden Hjerner. So much for Danish vs. Turkish films. I guess the joke's on Stjerner uden hjerner and me. Mostly the movie, less so me. Not at all me, actually. Anyway 2303 people thought this movie, by and largely, sucked. And wanted to let the world known. So 2303 people have, presumeably, seen the movie. It's out there. I just can't find it. So there is that. Also if you haven't read the review of Stjerner uden hjerner, I suggest doing so immediately after finishing this review. I promise it'll mostly be worth your time. Also I've dropped the link literally three four times, so you kind of owe me.

So what am I writing this review for? It's a fair question. I will answer it with a question of my own: Why am I writing this review? The answer to that essentially more logical question is simple. I'm writing it, because I'm a slave to protocol and veering off the trodden path, even for the briefest of moments, is absolutely something we cannot support at the totallywhatevs offices. No siree. So I'm going to do what literally thousands of hackneyed morons do on message boards and Youtube comments every minute of every day; Make wild claims and categorical statements assumed through stuff I have virtually no actual clue about. And the best thing is, you will probably not learn anything worth while about the movie or anything else despite reading every single character I'm typing out at 11:30 in the morning with a list of tranquilizer agents in my system so extensive you'd think I had been to a Kid Rock concert. Such is the beauty of this amazing thing we call the Internet. I can write stuff like “your mother is a hamster” and “Israel is responsible for the the ongoing conflict around Gaza” and there is literally nothing you can do about it. But please don't bother trying, because it's a waste of time and I've already checked. Your hands are metaphorically tied. I'm a lawyer.

So, Turkish film. First I'll draw in the review of the movie that features on its IMDb page. It's an amazing review written by an enthusiastic fan, Hakan Kucuk, that goes as follows, and I quote:

There were beautiful wits in the movie. But that wasn't perfect. Five masked guys who in the movie were replaced. I think that wasn't very good and don't have to. Mehmet Ali Erbil has been proper role.
Two musicians's entries of movie was very good. This has added to beauty. The woman who helped Mehmet Ali Erbil I didn't see her. But I can say "she was good".
There could be more actions, or love scenes on the movie. Because love is in every movie. Eventual, Turkish movies are more little watching than alien movies.
This's reason is very open. So I'm giving five points.

So that review is something that happened. The guy didn't like the movie, but gave it 5 stars. Out of a possible 10. Now this is interesting, for a myriad of reasons chief of which is that he compares it to alien movies I think. I'm not sure what the title of the movie means precisely, but upon further investigation I learned, that the movie was released January 11th in Turkey and a mere 6 days later it was released upon an unsuspecting Dutch public under the ill fitting name: De gemaskerde vijf – Cyprus, which, if my basic knowledge of Dutch is anything as good as I've been trying to pick up ladies for years by claiming, means something along the lines of The Masked Five – Cyprus. Ok. So our reviewing friend says “Five masked guys who in the movie were replaced” and I have a really hard time making sense of that statement, because I haven't seen the film remember, and I don't know if there were five masked dudes who were then replaced as part of the plot, or if the actors were replaced before the movie was shot. Or if this is a remake of Maskeli besler: Irak of 2007 and none of the actors are the same. Or the characters? The information on all of these movies is super scarce, so I'm going with virtual guesses again. So far the plot is 5 masked men, who might possibly have been replaced, Cyprus and two musicians. Alright.

Mehmet Ali Erbil is one of three people on the cast list with a picture on his IMDb profile, leading me to the conclusion that he is a hot shot in Turkish cinema. He looks like a distinguished gentleman, so that's definitely a thing to note. In the movie there may or may not have been a lady helping him. It's unclear. She may have been good, so at least she has that going for her. Even if she wasn't actually doing anything. I'd like to tell you I knew which of the roles she was, but no roles are assigned to any actor's names so we have to do without clear answers on that one too. Also I'm unfamiliar with Turkish names, so literally any name could belong to either a guy or a girl. Let's leave her for now. So five masked men, replaced or otherwise, go to Cyprus and has Mehmet Ali do something for them, or perhaps they have to rob Mehmet who was possibly helped by a lady who, while not actually there, did well. We're doing good, folks. This is coming along nicely. I think I can also conclude, that the movie was somewhat witty, even if it lacked fundamental action and love scenes. It's weird actually, because usually movies on this list have an abundance of both kinds of scenes as a way to compensate for lack of almost any other proper  movie making elements. Perhaps this movie is just misunderstood and not appreciated in its own time. Hard to say.

Alright, let's get down to brass tacks here, because there is pretty much nothing else to get down to. I probably wouldn't have liked this movie even if I had had the bad fortune of actually seeing it. Bold statement, I know. And I know you think I'm basing it on circumstantial evidence. I would normally agree with you, because I'm anything if not a dude with both feet planted solidly on a little place I'm lovingly referring to as Earth, but I can't really agree with you now because agreeing with you in this particular case would pretty much mean discounting everything I've just spent 10 minutes writing. And that's not really going to happen, because I stand by everything I've said so far and if you don't like it, then just stop reading and close the page and go do something else (disclaimer: Don't actually do those things. Your patronage is appreciated and you should stay around and perhaps, just perhaps, there will be a reward for you (disclaimer: There won't be a reward of any kind (unless reading these disclaimers could somehow count as a reward for you))).

I'll end this review with another quote, from this movie's sole IMDb message board post, aptly titled “Bu filmde kimlerin performansini begendiniz?” which roughly translates to: “In this film, I liked the performance of who?”. Kind of an interesting way to start a post, by asking us, people who have literally no idea who the fuck this guy is, what performance he or she liked the best. At first I had the naïve idea, that the actual message body of text would clear up some of the patchier elements of this movie but, alas, it did not. In fact it furthered the incomprehensible nature of the film. The English translation runs as follows:

I think you roll with Safak Sezer, the film was the best. I can not forget the pool scene.
Mehmet Ali Erbil as usual; If you remove a woman laugh :)
The trio was also very nice color plane of the film katmışken.


So that's that. The entry was made on Tuesday the 17th of June at 01:53:37 in the PM. There have been zero replies posted. So we won't learn other people's guesses as to which performance Emrei78 liked the best. We do however learn that Mehmet Ali Erbil is somehow only a semicolon away from the notion of removing a woman laugh. And thus, my lovely readingtons, I believe I've said everything there is to say about this, possible, masterpiece. So from Emrei78 it's goodnight, and from Hakan Kucuk it's fare thee well and from me it's So long friends, and remember just because you haven't seen something doesn't mean you can't voice strongly worded opinions condemning it for whatever reasons. You are entitled, after all, as a user of the Internet.

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