Thursday 29 May 2014

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 83 Skydivers

Do you want thrilling action? Amazingly shot scenes from high above the earth? Superbly acted drama and suspense? Thrilling acti... oh wait I did that one. Well if you want any or all of these things, you've come to the right place. This review! Because the movie being reviewed won't have any of them. This movie feels kind of like being invited into a well assorted wine cellar in a French château, for a glass of lukewarm buttermilk. Yes you guessed it. It's...

This guy was just an extra who didn't know the parachutes would be added in post production. They build a movie around him. 

Skydivers (1963)

It's weird, but I see a LOT of movies on this here Bottom 100 list made in the years 1963/64. It makes me wonder, if those years were particularly well suited for shitty movie makers. Perhaps there was something in the water that year, that made people less inclined to say no. Or perhaps there wasn't a lot of rain, and the sun distorted people's decisionmaking skills. Either way, this list would've been a lot different, if 1963/64 hadn't existed. For starters it'd be 2013 now, and I would still have time to exchange the gifts I got for Christmas. I don't know if a different list would be positive or negative. I mean really it's all pretty fucking shit, so if it's this shit or some other shit altogether, doesn't make a lick of difference to me. I'm watching this shit, then I'm writing about this shit, and then you, my sweetest of readers, you are, well, reading about this shit. You see, Rafiki was right. It's all a part of the Circle of Life ™.

Imagine what a dude looking this bemused will sound like. Then imagine that going on for 70 minutes. Then imagine a kitten. Then imagine that kitten being told it's time to disco. Then imagine that kitten running off with your wife/husband. Then multiply that thought process by infinity and you may have an idea of what this movie is like. 

Alright, once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more. Let's deal with the problem at hand, here, and that is the forthcoming review. I'm really just writing a lot of fluff to postpone the inevitable, but every last drop of filling I can squeeze is going to inch me closer to the magical 2 page mark I believe myself capable of milking this snoozefest of a film for. It's pretty god damn dull, I don't mind telling you, and furthermore it must have been very low budget, because like Mitchell, the audio is a little wobbly. As an added feature the visual aspect is also kind of weird. Without opening the file to double check, I've got a visual in my mind of a faded picture with sort of a darkish hue around the edges. I don't know if that's an actual memory of this film, or if it's a nightmare I've had along the way. I'll grant you, that it's been a few months since I saw this movie, because of weird scheduling, so it might just be imagination playing tricks on me. But my imagination can't trick me into believing, however, that this movie didn't suck. Not only did it suck, for that it truly did, it also blew. Yes, opposites attract and all that jazz. I'm rambling again, aren't I? God dammit, this movie is not making it easy.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned the producers of this movie towards the viewing several.

Right fine, the movie is about this dude, who speaks ever so slowly, fooling you into believing he says well thought out and deliberate stuff, but really it's just because the dude is a shitty actor. He runs a skydiving school, with his wife. His wife is kind of dull, so he has an affair on the side. I say affair, because that's the clinical term, but he seems about as happy with his floozy on the side, as a guy who has just been informed, that his family drowned in a bowl of god damn salad. That's how happy he looks. For those following this review on the airwaves, he doesn't seem to be happy at all. If that wasn't apparent. So this floozy has a floozy of her own too. She's quite the little schemer. You see, she's none too happy about the main dudes skydiving school success and the fact that he totally tells her to calm her tits when she wants him to ditch the old ball and chain. He ain't having it, is what I'm telling you here. And that does not sit well with the lady. So she goes about planning his demise. With the help of her second boyfriend. Who might actually be her husband, I don't honestly remember. It doesn't matter.

The fucker's still at it. And his wife just looks at him lovingly, like he's the cat's pajamas. But he isn't. 

Now an old friend of the main fella comes to visit the Skydiving school. I think there was some backstory involved, wherein he was sort of drifting from his old life. Something about a family that died or something. Anyway, he's come to mooch off of his old pal, and do ad hoc work around the Skydiving academy. Also, apparently, to engage in sort of a weird pseudo-smoochy schmoo with his old pal's wife. It's quite a manage-a-uhm-cinq I suppose we could call it. The wife is kind of keen, but then not keen anyway, and I couldn't tell if she even was keen to begin with. She comes off as kind of a prude. Naive perhaps. I can't even tell, because the acting is just terrible. The scheming lady and her co-conspirator set their plan into motion, and it involves rigging parachutes to not open. Vintage parachute instructor way to die. Only, the intended target, the main dude, isn't the guy who gets the rigged chute. So they kill a random innocent. This, understandably, upsets the authorities, and a quick man hunt is set into motion, that ends with both the schemer and her lover being outright shot. They had no weapons and posed no threat, yet they were gunned right the fuck down, while running over a field. The movie didn't try to mask it as self defense or poetic justice. Just cold blooded, albeit government sanctioned, murder. Super. That's where it all ends. Goodbye.

They received their pay checkes for this travesty. 

The crew behind this travesty consists of a bunch of relatively unknown people. They were, however, between them involved in several Bottom 100 entries, all of which we'll get around to later. The director, a one Coleman Francis has a few points of interest associated with his name. First and foremost, he is credited with the following trademark: 'his scripts often wander inexplicably, so much so that some critics have suggested that it represents and intentional artistic style'. I can definitely relate to the first part of this trademark, but this is one critic who will not concede that it's intentional. Not when it's something we see in all 100 of these crappy movies, even the ones with high production value and, seemingly, professional crews behind them. So often are the scripts just completely randomly put together, with no thought given to continuity or character background or even plot holes. It's just somebody going “oh this is cool. And then this is also cool. We'll do these two things and then edit them together. That looks cool!”. So fucking forget that it's intentional. If it is, the guy is a moron. If it isn't, the guy is also a moron. Either way... a moron. As if my point needed further proof, there is also the fact, that he often 'used coffee as a central plot point or a focus of conversation'. Wow. That's just terrific. Coffee is something everybody can relate to. The characters are pretty wooden and one dimensional anyway. Why the hell not make coffee the main pro- or antagonist. Just for kicks.

Boom shak-a-lak. Right in the kisser. Shot, while running. from a plane, no less. Even in death she looks annoyed. 

I feel kind of sheepish for repeating the same shit over and over again, but guys, this movie was really boring. Just really totally good old fashioned dull as shit, and I was bored throughout. At no point during these 75 sleep inducing minutes did I think 'oh my, that's an interesting development. I wonder what will happen next?'. I didn't give two fucks about anybody in this flick. I didn't even believe they were real. I didn't even, if you have a second, believe the actors knew they were acting. They were just sitting around, having a cup of coffee, reflecting on their really boring day. Like I mentioned, the main dude, Joe, is just so awkward in every line, that it's hard to imagine him actually having that damn affair with that damn scheming lady. He's about as authentic as Donatella Versace's face, and as devoid of passion. No bueno. Does the movie make me angry and resentful? No, it lacks panache or force for that kind of emotional outburst. It just makes me wonder why the fuck some of these assholes even bother. Just stop wasting a lot of innocent people's time, and either man up and do it right, or don't do it at all. Because this just isn't cutting it. It's not even worth hating. It sucks the will to hate out of you, that's what it does! Now I actually am amazed. They did accomplish something! But not something good. No, I'm gonna go with just ending it and their careers. It's for the best.

She convinces this love-lorn dude to help her kill innocent strangers. His awesome tattoo of her name was almost given a spin-off sequel. 


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