Thursday 31 July 2014

IMDb Bottom 100 Review – Number 77 Barney's Great Adventure

An old legend has it, that the ancient brotherhood of Illuminati started rallying important people to their cause many centuries ago, as the rising forces of the Catholic Church were threatening to cast eternal darkness on Europe. The legend even claims, that to this day Illuminati still controls most of the finances and governments of the world. It's even hinted, that Hollywood is controlled by them. But I know that isn't true. Because if it was, there is no way in fuck this piece of shit movie would have been greenlighted. Yes, m'ladies and gentlemen, the past has caught up with us, and it is time to review...

Where does Barney get a pair of Barney sized goggles in the countryside?

If it wasn't already glaringly apparent to you, I fucking hate this movie. I hated Troll 2 and I very very much disliked It's Pat. Barney is right up there, possibly taking the number 1 spot. I'll concede that I am not in the demographic for this travesty, but even so, I can't believe how exceptionally awful it actually is. I remember Barney from my youth (thankfully I didn't run into him before I was 15), and I disliked his stupid jerk face right from the word go. Miraculously I had managed to steer completely clear of him in the intermittent 18 years, until I made the fatal error of reviewing the hundred worst movies of all time. He's right there, at number 77, with his big purple face you just want to beat into a pulp. A Barney pulp.

This guy... did something I can't remember. I don't remember him at all, actually. 

With all that said, he's there low down. Some kids have to go stay with their grandparents on their farm for some lame generic reason. I same lame generic because nobody bothered coming up with an actual reason. They just had to. Some actual grandkids and a black kid too, for good measure I assume. I mean of course there is absolutely no reason why these kids wouldn't be friends with a black kid. But it's sort of insinuated, that all the kids are the grandkids. So... yeah ok. Whatever, I guess. The grandparents are major cornballs, of course, with twinkles in their eyes like everything they say has this slightly patronizing quality to it. Like they have a secret but they aren't telling, so we can get to figure it out ourselves. And oh boy, do we ever figured it out. We figure that shit out so hard.

Witch lady's cooky house where cooky stuff happens, and people are stuck in perpetual laughter. 

The kids are quickly left to themselves, because of another lame generic reason. I'd like to say grampy had to go work in the fields, and gramma was busy in the kitchen, but they just sort of vanish. Perhaps they went upstairs for a little something something before dinner. We will never know. The kids run to the barn, because that's usually where movie farm magic happens. And we are not let down. Promptly a shooting star appears on the sky. Only it's not as much a shooting star, as it is a giant egg hurdling towards Earth at alarming speeds. Sadly Earth isn't hit hard enough to cause a nuclear holocaust, ending this shit once and for all. No, the object lands safely and soundly right in grampy's hay loft. Whaddya know. Perplexed, the kids decide, that his is a totally normal occurrence. Furthermore, when Barney shows his fucked up mug shortly after, they mutually and silently agree, that this isn't something to be alarmed about either. They are alarmed, however, when Barney's escape pod egg goes missing.

I didn't remember there were more of these fuckers. In fact, apparently I blocked out most of this flick from memory. 

This starts a vintage kid's movie chase plot, where the egg is constantly in a new place, for inexplicable reasons, and the kids and Barney look for it in all the most stupid and ridiculous places imaginable. We're also treated to some really fucking classic shenanigans when Barney disappears every time the kids want to show him to their grandparents. I don't know if we're supposed to believe that only the kids can see him, or if he's just so fucking stupid that he accidentally goes the wrong way or trips and falls behind something, every time adults look. He interacts with the grandparents later on, so... yeah. I don't know what that's all about. The kids and Barney head to a nearby house, that's sort of presented as a witches house, but she's just an inventor lady with a cuckoo house. More shenanigans that are of extremely shoddy quality later, they find the egg, run home to the farm inventor lady in tow, yadda yadda yadda and Bob's your uncle. Done.


This movie made me want to slash wrists. I hated every uncompromisingly dull second of it. Barney's voice alone just cuts right to my bone. His face... I don't even. That costume, even for a kid's flick, is just fucking ridiculous. I could have a team of 3 year olds bash hammers at a piece of paper for an hour, and they'd be able to crank out a more convincing dinosaur costume. I mean come on, please. For the love of entertainment, why is this happening? Was Barney ever even a hit? Like in his particular demographic. I think as soon as a kid was able to understand language and not just rely on bright easily distinguishable colors on the screen anymore, Barney would be the fuck out. But, alas, he is still here, fouling up celluloid by the mile.
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Apparently Barney was already on Earth when the egg spawned in the sky. I had forgotten that part. 

A quick glance on the cast list reveals little useful information. The grandmother had a role in Kubrick's Lolita from 1962, so that's something. She didn't really play a pivotal role or anything, but she was there. The rest of the cast is made up by a bunch of ragtag loons from the slightly brownish underbelly of the Hollywood television beast. The director is one Steve Gomer, a dude who has directed quite a few episodes of quite a few shows amongst which are such shows as Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars and the newer show Blue Bloods. His IMDb profile picture is a black and white shot of Barney, leading me to believe Mr. Gomer holds the purple dinobastard in absolute highest regard. I can't explain why. One name on the cast list does sort of stand out. Not for excellence, but merely because you'd be thinking “oh that kid... where the hell do I know him from?” Well you know him from Sixth Sense, where he was the bully who Cole paid to walk with him to school. And from Jurassic Park III where he played... in which he also starred. And from other more or less famous movies. Like I said, he's the kind of face you recognize but won't ever know the name of. I'm looking at his name right now, and I'm forgetting the first name by the time I get to the last. Him in a nutshell.  

Just no. No no no. 100% nope. 

I really wish I could think up more shit to say about this movie, but I'm drawing blanks as it is. It was churned out in, I can only assume, 2-3 days. Couple of afternoons of filming, a few hours of editing it together and then 20 minutes of after effects for the shooting star and subsequent descending egg, and off to the DVD factory. A legendary piece of shit was born. I don't even understand why anybody bothered. This can't possibly have made money. Granted, the budget was probably pretty slim, but even with that in mind, there is no way anybody turned a profit with this. The only conceivable way it could've made any kind of money, is from syndication rights for TV. That's it. I guess that's why it was made to begin with, but I don't think it'd be a given that any network would pay money to show this. On the other hand, the gotta fill those early afternoon slots somehow. And it's either this or reruns of Green Acres. This movie, however, once again begs the question: Who the hell is in charge of green lighting these projects, and how do I get that job. Because I would be awesome at it. “Can you sit in a room, with an “Approved” stamp, and move your hand up and down in a rhythmic fashion?” “Yes I surely can” “YOU'RE OUR MAN!”. That's how the interview would go. In its entirety. I know this because of reasons. 
There was a baby too. Of course there was a baby. 

1 comment:

  1. I used to enjoy this film, but that's all in the past, because I do not like Barney anymore, he is irritatingly cheerful, overly optimistic, and just someone who won't go away.